Defeat....Competition....Fear of failure

Here we go again....

So as all of you can see I have taken a hiatus from blogging. I could come up with all these great stories:

• Too busy with wedding stuff! 17 DAYS
• Too busy working out! LIE
• Too busy figuring out life! WHO ISN'T?
• I'm losing weight fantastically and no longer feel like I need to blog. LIE
• I am lazy. YES
• I stare at a computer all day and the last thing I want to do is to go home and stare at one again. True but that is an excuse and I am professional at those.

So as you can see I can come up with quite the list if I wanted to, but the reality of the situation is that I wasn't seeing the results that I wanted to see. I have lost weight and inches (go me!) but not the level that I wanted. I got discouraged and haven't been trying as hard as I can. It is a lie if I told you that I try my hardest because I feel like I can do better. I feel like there is so much more in me. I know I can succeed and I just need to start thinking that way. I have these "aha" moments where I have so much belief in myself, so much confidence that I WILL do this. But those moments are short and too far in-between. This blog helped me everyday see my struggle and to see that I need to tell myself that I can do this. It may be the craziest vision in your head (me talking myself up) but I have to do it. I have heard so many put downs my whole life that my brain has developed thinking that way. Thinking failure. The logic with that is that if I fail then at least I tried. You can't fail if you have never tried. But picking up a barbell isn't the same as trying, giving it your all. 

Another reason that I have stopped writing the blog was that I was afraid that all of you would see my failure. It is one thing to see myself fail because I am used to it. I am used to standing on the scale day after day and seeing the same number, or feeling the waist line of my jeans day after day. But I don't want all of you too see me as a failure. That is something I can not handle. So if I stopped writing my blog maybe no one would know that I am failing. 

So here I am...I am going to lay it all out there, every failure, excuse running though my head, and every success. Failure or not I know feel like I am actually TRYING.

So its finally here....

So we are all moved in. This is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for us to move so I can start over, so I can start clean.

Is this how all beginnings feel? I am so ready for this to start. I am excited, scared, happy, nervous. I have all these emotions all wrapped into one and I don't know which way I should go. One step at a time because I don't think I want to fall off the edge into the abyss just so I can find ground one day and fail. I want to be aware all the way!

The other day I was running (yes! running, for those of you who know what I look like it can be quite the struggle! for those of you who don't...think Baywatch!) I had an aha! moment. I had this moment where I feel like everything finally made sense. I just wanted this so bad all of a sudden and I would do anything to get it. This motivation chip just turned on and I found myself excited for what was before me.

Now don't get me wrong, I was always excited, but the emotion that was primarily fueling my drive was fear. Fear of what would happen if I didn't do it. Fear of those looks on my wedding day of a larger girl with wings of fat in her dress. Fear that I would continue to grow outward and not be able to ever own a bikini. Those were the fears running around in my brain, and one night it came crashing down around me when some guys called me a grenade (if you don't know what that means, google it or ask your friend that watches the jersey shore). But those fears didn't get me anywhere. I feel like I am in the same spot that I was months ago. I have realized that I can't be afraid of those things. I have to embrace who I am.

I am probably the most self-conscious person I know. I am always thinking about what others think and how they will see me that I has never dawned on me that they don't see the flaws I see. Admitting that I am doing this for how I want others to see has taken me years to admit.

So there it is. I was doing this because I was afraid of what others thought of me and I thought that by changing my outward appearance all my other flaws would magically go away. I have to embrace who I am and my flaws. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. I need to work on seeing that others are not perfect no matter their size or appearance.

So during my run I thought that I could really do this. I can really be happy. My weight isn't my answer, but its a huge reason why I am so unhappy.

Moving is my new start!

I am moving! I am so excited I can not tell you how much I have been looking forward to this since moving in with Mr. Man. We are getting a bigger place and I am looking forward to creating us a life there together!

Another great reason for moving is that I can guilt free throw away our remaining CRAP! And in that I mean FOOD! I am using this move as a new start. It is when I can start completely blank and just jump on the Eat Clean bandwagon! I do not want any junk food to follow us to the new house because then I feel like we are living the same lives!

NO! I am putting my foot down. I have read more than enough information about food, sugar, cholesterol etc to know that I need this. I NEED to just jump into it. Easing into it has not worked for the past 5ish months. i just have to say goodbye and rip that band aid off. I know in good time that I won't even miss those foods or drinks, but it will take time and so much self control that I am going to need all the help I can get.

I am sure it is going to feel like a break-up. I mean that is just what it is because food is my drug of choice. I am breaking up with my old food and my old habits to start a new life. It will take time, and I hate that saying. Time I mean we always here its short, but sometimes it is the longest healer.

So for now I am going with this:



Do you ever get the urge to do something at exactly the time you COULDN'T do it?

So...I have been doing a TON of reading about food, and supplements, and superfoods etc. I have read many books and different perspectives, but right now I am really REALLY excited about the Eat Clean diet! I got all the books and am busy reading and highlighting my life away.

However, I read mostly at work! This is a problem. The reason that this is a problem is because I get soo motivated and excited about following it! It makes me want to go and workout and just be healthy. It is motivating! But then i remind myself that I am still at work, and unfortunately by the time work is done my motivation is just not there like it was when I first cracked the book at 6am!

I still go to the gym most days after work unless something better comes along...( I am WORKING on it!). I am getting better about scheduling working out and telling my friends that I can't do something until after. I am proud of myself for that!

NOW how do I keep up that level of excitment and motivation throughout the day?

Shout out to Sara Mac! GOOD for you GIRL! Your amazing and I can't WAIT to see you this weekend!

Are checklists only for the week days? What about the weekends?

We treat weekends as a mini vacation from our real lives. But weekends happen all the time. We can't treat them as vacations all the time. We throw away our routines and along with them our goals. 

I find myself filling my days on the weekend with everything but working out and eating right. I eat on the fly all the time, and even if I am sitting at home doing nothing the gym isn't even in my radar. I wish it was, but I feel like the gym takes up too much of my time on the weekend. I mean going there, working out for a couple of hours, and coming home, showering and getting ready again. But why do I think this takes up too much time on the weekends but not during the week? I mean I work all day and I am so excited to get to the gym, but I HATE it on the weekend. Its the same gym, same people, same equipment, but it still doesn't FEEL the same. Why is that? UGH!

I set my goal, but I don't make a plan. I do everything I can to avoid it. So my goal is never reached. 

I want this to be a lifestyle change and so I have to let it change my lifestyle. I can't be resistant to it. I need to change, if I don't than I am in the same position that I have been in, and I don't want that. 

Will I change more than my lifestyle? Will my personality change? Will my friends see me differently? I don't want this to become my life. I don't want to be the friend that always talks about what they are eating is SO bad for them, or that I need to ditch them for the gym. I need to find that balance, but until then I feel like I will be obsessed with this part of my life. I feel like there will be an unbalance. I think this is why I am afraid to workout on the weekends. I am not ready to give that part of my life yet. I am saving that for my friends. 

It is always easier to read but harder to do. As the saying goes "Do as I say and not as I do"

Hello! Sorry I have been gone for awhile! I have been busy wedding planning and focusing on my eating.

Work has been slow lately and so I have been able to really get some research done regarding food and my diet. It helps that a coworker is also looking into revamping her eating style and that of her family as well. So we have been reading and reading research after research and book after book. We even got into some blogs! But being the pyschology major I am didn't think that blogs were a trusted source. Sure they can be testemonials, but I need something to back up the testemonials. I am always a sucker for them though. I love reading success stories, but I HAVE to know the research behind them. With that said I have come to the conclusion that the plan that looks the best to me is the Eat Clean Diet. If you read Oxygen that you are probably familiar with this approach.

Eat Clean is just that. Eat cleanly. Just eat things with the least amougt of ingrediants possible. As the saying goes try to stick to the peimeter of the grocery store! I am not going to try and define/summarize the eat clean diet in my blog since the author has written multiple books and cookbooks. If you are interested you can find all the information you need here: Eat Clean

I have been looking at different diets, eating styles becuase all you hear is that when you are losing weight its earned on the plate and not in the gym. This is so frustrating. I guess it is easier to go the gym and work my a$$ off then to change my eating style. I don't know why I am holding on to this. I know cognitively that I HAVE to do it. But I honestly don't know why it is SO hard.

I know that I run to food for comfort and I have been working on really paying attention to my emtions and if I am really hungry at that moment or if I am using it as a comfort. But I have been doing it for so long that I know I convince myself that it is hunger! I guess this is my hardest struggle.

It is even more a struggle when I feel like I am on this bandwagon alone. I have my support from people from work, and I know I have the support of my friends and family, but sometimes support isn't enough. I have to struggle to say no, and I don't like to say no because I don't want to be the only one saying no all the time. I am trying to make healthy decisions when it comes to eating out, but just being in the restaurant I start to feel like puddy and will just order whatever I want. Thats my problem. I know it makes me feel like crap, but I can't help it. That moment on the lips is worth the lifetime on the hips in that one moment of weakness. I wish I could get past this, but I guess this what I have been trying to work on. I guess I will be working on this for the rest of my life.

Wish me luck!

Body pump is more of a jump start!

Every Monday you can find me at Body Pump, sweating in the back while begging the instructor (Macy) to quit early. This Monday the Y was closed so Body Pump was out of the question. 

What I didn't realize is that I needed Body Pump to jump start my workouts for the week. I found myself on Tuesday aimlessly walking around the weight room feeling like I just wanted to go home!

Today was much of the same. My attitude just wasn't there. My mind was off somewhere else! Macy was there today to bring my head back to the weight room.

I just feel out of tune and the reason why is that my routine didn't start off on Monday like it usually does. But this shouldn't ruin the rest of the week and I am letting it.

Who knew something I consider to have no power over me ruin my whole week of focus. 

I feel like I keep adding weight to my uphill battle and I am never going to reach the top. Someday is feeling VERY far away right now.

 

Should holiday weekends be feared or cause you anxiety?

Memorial Day Weekend is:

A glorious three day weekend away from work. Friday afternoon can't come soon enough and it is always over sooner than anyone would like. 

This holiday weekend found me in southern Minnesota at my sister's glorious new home! It was a weekend packed full of hanging out! Those are always the best vacations! You don't have to go anywhere, you don't have an agenda, you just hang out and play cards, rock band Beatles, and Geocaching! It was just what I needed. 

But when vacations come along so does vacation food! I was looking forward to taking a break from my daily grind and just enjoy everything sitting around on the counter and not feel guilty! The food was delicious! But it was food I wasn't used to and it got me thinking...when we take vacations to what extent do we leave our lives back home? 

We physically leave our houses, and our pets, our daily routine, but do we NEED to leave everything? We bring ourselves with, and our likes and dislikes so can't we bring some semblance of our lives? Eating right and exercising is becoming more and more important to me and I want to find a way to take some of that with me! That is what my new goal is. I want to try and figure out how to take some of our life with us. I want to be able to not give up on my diet for days (although I enjoyed every minute of it), and to try and exercise. But the balance is still trying to remember that I am on vacation and that it is okay to take a break! I think I will be working on this for awhile! 

Sorry for the break in posts! I am trying to keep up on it!

Exciting NEWS!

So this is going to be a small post today, but I am so excited I could pee!

Yesterday at the gym I increased my weight all around for my arms and it felt wonderful. It was this feeling of bliss as I picked a bigger weight. I can feel a difference in my body, and my muscles! I don't feel like you can see a difference but that will come with time! I am in NO hurry because I don't want to burn myself out!

I am so excited! I hope others get this feeling when they increase their weight as well!

Distractions, busy schedule, work, children...blah blah blah! COMMIT

I was coming home from the gym today and was talking to Mr. Man about commitment. There are many people that talk about how much they want to be fit and healthy, but that is all they do, they talk. I want to help every way I can, but when it comes to showing up it's on their own shoulders. I only want the best for people, but what I realized was that I once was someone like that, and I never saw it. I lost so much time not committing to it. I was interested in it. I read articles and tried some workouts out, but never made it a priority.

I feel like I lost so much time pretending to work out and live a healthy lifestyle. Not realizing that I wasn't making a priority was harder than just not doing anything. My rationalization at that time was high. I would rationalize every eating choice because I was working out, and every work out was great (yeah right!). I would think that I was working my butt off and would never look like the cute fit girl standing next to me. I was completely lost, and it took years for me to figure it out! But that time was lost and all I can do is pay attention to my eating and working out now, and be committed.

Now don't get me wrong I remember (not too long ago) that I let anything and everything come in between and working out. If someone called and wanted to hang out I would jump all over it. I would even go out of my way to find something to do besides working out. When Mr. Man wanted to workout on weekends I would rationalize that weekends are a break from real life, so I would never go. 

That person isn't me anymore! I make working out a priority before hanging out with friends. If it is someone I haven't seen in awhile then I try and do something active with them. I want to go walking, rollerblading, biking. 

I am feeling like my life is changing and hopefully its only for the good.

She doesn't have gross muscle does she?

I was on the phone today with a friend and I was looking at a picture of this girl squatting 200+ lbs! I was amazed. In awe I started to tell her about the picture I was looking at and all that came our of her mouth was: "eeeww she must have gross muscle!"

I couldn't help but be baffled at this. There I was in awe of the power of this girl, and my friend couldn't help but be disgusted! (Don't worry she later read the article and does NOT think the girls muscles are gross! Mission accomplished!)

I was reading an article earlier that morning describing the difference between fats. It was very interesting because they talked about an athlete and a model. They may have the same amount of body fat but their bodies are completely different.

http://www.crossfitsouthbay.com/2011/05/skinny-fat/

I think everyone should read this article. I wanted to talk today about losing weight and specifically my goals. Yes I do want to be skinnier, and fit into smaller cloths but I DO NOT want to be bone thin. I want to be healthy. I want muscle definition and I wouldn't mind a flat stomach. I want to be able to push a tire over multiple times, and to squat 200+ lbs. I think being strong is beautiful. I think bone skinny is gross. I want to challenge Mr. Man to a arm wrestling contest and win! I want a rock hard ass!

Being fit and strong is so important to me because when I do have kids I want to be able to keep up with them, and to sometimes out last their energy!

So Kate Moss can say "Nothing tastes as good as Skinny feels" well lets ask if hugging you feels like hugging a rock since all your bones are poking through! Keep your skinny and give me strong!

Now don't mind her crazy phase, remember her from her Toxic days when she was not a girl, but not yet a woman! This is more realistic to me! These pictures are more motivating to me than Kate Moss. So give me eewy muscles! But just between you and me? I don't think she has eewy muscles!

Honesty is always better.

Macy mentioned that we have severely been lacking in working out! 

I wish that I could argue with her, and show her proof of how well we are doing, but unfortunately I can not. Working out has not been going on! It is the sad truth.

Honesty sometimes feels like a slap in the face. It hurts more than looking in the mirror or seeing the picture that makes you cry. But staring me straight in the face is Macy and her stupid, honest observation!

So I would be lying if I told you that the lack of posts was due to all my new working out adventures when in reality I was sitting on a bar stool enjoying my happy hour!

My excuse and rationalization for working out less was that I was going to ease back into working out. Since I hadn't worked out in over a week and a half, and since working out was a new habit that I was working on developing I told myself that I was going to ease into it. Maybe workout on Monday and Tuesday at class, take Wednesday off, workout Thursday and then have the weekend off. Well, that did NOT work! I would start off good, but then only make it to Tuesday! But I was easing into it right?

Well it has officially been over 2 weeks and I feel horrible. I have barely worked out, and my body and attitude can tell. It is hard for me to get up in the morning, I am sluggish, I don't care if we do anything active, and all I can think about is when can I take a nap!

This is not how I was when I was active. This is how I felt when I was in high school. I dreaded working out, and doing active things because I didn't want anyone to know how out of shape I really was. Don't even mention a boat or summer around me! I am dreading this summer and Mr. Man's favorite holiday! I love going, and love all the people, but I am so self conscious about myself that I don't feel that I totally let go and just be me. I am afraid that I am missing out on life because of this. I don't want to anymore.

So I have printed this picture and taped it to my mirror to remind myself that its baby steps and its day by day!

Dang you weather!

It seems to be that spring is finally here! After April snowstorms and freezing rain in May spring has finally made an appearance. I am very excited about this! However, it seems to deter me away from the gym!

I mean who wants to be couped up in a BO smelling gym when you could be gloriously walking around outside.

So this is my dilemma: do I go to the gym where I know I can get an effective arm workout in OR do I take a walk with a friend outside? I mean both are active and both are not sitting on the couch, however today is TUESDAY. Meaning today I am to do arms before spinning class! How can I get an effective arm workout in when I want to be outside and I don't own any free weights myself?

So my motivation is still high to get to my gym, to workout, to stay active, but do people lose some of their workout in the summer because of the amazing weather? Is there a way around this? UGH

And on another note..I am lost because spinning is over after next week! Due to summer they are condensing the 5:30 nightly spinning to one night a week, maybe! MAYBE! Are you kidding me! I have already gone through the pain of losing feeling in my butt now they are asking me to take 3 months off and to go through it again in the fall? NOT OKAY!

This made me smile! If this doesn't motivate you I don't know what will!

Just picture yourself running away on the treadmill and sweat is just pouring off of you. All of a sudden you get a smirk on your face because this saying pops into your head. I don't know about you but this will make me run faster and bully that fat right off of my body!

Now I want to make my fat cry everyday!

This is a great way to visualize fat coming off and it also helps if you think sweating is gross and can't stand it! Well if its your fat crying? Do you think you can stand it now?!

First week back!



I am back to "normal" life. I have started my routine again and am back to my regular workouts. But something in me has changed since my fathers death and that is the effort I put into my workout.

Yes, I showed up everyday and I would  sweat everyday but was I truly trying my hardest? If I had been trying my hardest since day one of trying to lose weight when I was 12 years old I wouldn't be writing this blog. But here I am.

My concentration levels are higher than ever for my workouts because I want to be fit and strong. I want to be the person I told my dad I was becoming. I am no longer doing this for just me. I need to do this for my family so that I can stay around a little longer.

I have only worked out Mon and Tues, but currently those two workouts I tried so hard that I can barely walk up the stairs to my apartment. But I am okay with that. And this picture just allows me to see that I don't have to be perfect and the only person to measure myself against is me. As long as I am trying my hardest in every aspect then I can't do any better.

I may never win a race, or bench press the most in the gym, but those aren't my goals. My goals are only for me and set against myself. I have to keep remembering that and not looking at what is going on around me. I can't keep trying to compete with others at the gym. I do that; I challenge myself by setting goals trying to beat others around me and that isn't trying my hardest it is trying their hardest. I need to focus just on myself and my current workout for that day. Because if I let my mind wonder, and my imagination roam I am no longer trying my hardest I am just doing the actions.

My fitness and food deserve 100% of my attention and I have to remember that the reason I am in the situation I am in is because I never held them to a priority. I would let my mind wonder!

This week I am trying harder, next week it will be even harder.

Time never stops....but can we?

I was listening to a movie while at work today and this quote hit me hard:

"You can't stop being who you are because your afraid"

This is what I have to think about. It was a hard week to get through last week, and my life has changed. Every holiday, home phone call, future memory has forever been changed. It was a HUGE wake up call, and I have spent a lot of time these past couple of weeks soul searching. Pondering what in life is important, and how can I live everyday to the max. But I realized that as long as I make decisions that make me happy then I am living each day to the max. Life may be short, and you may have a bucket list, but life is made up of every days. Yes, vacations are nice, and babies, weddings, graduations are always something to look forward to, but when living it is your everyday routine that makes up who you are.

I am afraid that my life won't be enough, that I will always have goals, vacations, dreams that I will never realize, but I can't stop and change my everyday life because I am afraid of all that I have not yet accomplished. So I am going to focus on the goals in front of me. I am going to focus on living this healthy lifestyle so that maybe I can elongate my life. Maybe I can live a fuller life just by paying attention to the little things.

Being afraid won't help me with my marriage, or help me raise my babies. Life will happen and accidents and tragedies come with that. I can't be afraid of those things because then I won't be living any longer. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Taking chances on things that can and may cause you heartache is a way of creating who you are.

I am getting more and more into Yoga and I am reading great book: Living Yoga by Chrisy Turlington. She also has lost her dad and what got her through it is paying more attention to her breath. I think this a good step. I am going to start meditating and talking to God. Hopefully this can help find a more peaceful mindset. I hope it helps me live my everyday no matter how mundane someone else might think it is. Let others think your life is mundane, that's what they need to do to make themselves feel better about themselves. If you are happy and if you are continuing to make decisions that make you happy than I am okay with that!

My routine starts again today! I am jumping back on the wagon! Thank you all for your patience with my hiatus!

Dad

My Dad

Sorry for the delay in posting. I got an early call on Thursday April 21st from my sister informing me that my father had unexpectadly passed away.

This has been a hard time for our family to get through, we all have many questions and want even more answers. This great man has died and he has left this world a better place. We got to see this through all the lives he has touched. As a teacher at Johnson High School he touched many of the students lives, and they showed their grattitude by making tons of posters, and creating a facebook page dedicated to him. This out-pouring of love has really helped our family through this difficult time.

I have been tested early in this new struggle of my eating and weight. I failed horribly. Not that I ate and I ate, in fact I did the opposite. I stopped. I stopped eating, and laughing and living. This is not what my dad would want and I have to remind myself of these things. I will get through this with the help of God and of family and friends. They have helped me so much already. I am eternally grateful!

So now I ask my dad to help me through my struggles in life and hope that he is holding my hand as I continue to walk this world without him. I will remember that he will carry me when I need him the most and he will hold my hand whenever I need/want him to. For that I am grateful!

I am so grateful that he was in my life and that I got him for more than a teacher. He was my dad and I got him 100%. I have to remember how lucky I am for that.

Thank you dad for everything you have done for me. Thank you for showing me love through how much you loved each of your girls. I will remember you often and always.

I will take it slow and smile often just as you always told us to.

Love you!

The BIG day!

One word defines today: POTLUCK

We have a potluck today at work.....lets cross our fingers and hope that I make good decisions! I made these fabulous fruit kabobs! Nummy!

Anyway this really spoke to me when I found it:

Period. That is so powerful because its so true. I can make a million excuses but excuses don't get you anywhere! They give you opportunity and permission to fail.

No more complaining about the snowstorm coming and saying "gotta get home and skip the gym." = Now I will say well good thing I have P90X at home!

Its getting late I don't have time for a workout = Do some push ups and sit ups before bed!

I have plans with friends = go rollerblading, or walking, or invite them to the gym.

I am NOT going to fail.

NO MORE EXCUSES. JUST DO IT.

Is timing everything?

We wait and plan everything.

Wait to get married until we are done with school, wait to have kids until we buy a house, wait...wait...wait...

So the question is: Is there such a thing as perfect timing?

I think the answer is NO. There is no perfect time for anything because we can always think of something else we want to do before we have kids (Ireland?) or buy a house (get a better job). But the reality is that we may never be 100% okay at the time things happen, but we learn to adapt and to go with the "plan."

Mr. Man had asked me what is different about now? You have wanted/complained/pointed these flaws you see for years. You have tried before, even signed up for a program, but you didn't give it your 100%. I want to see you succeed and I want you to be happy, and I want you to see yourself for how beautiful you are to me. But what is it this time? Where is your motivation coming from?

That's a GREAT question. A question I have been trying to answer for awhile now. Why do I seem to have a motivation for this when I lacked it in the past?

Is it because of my wedding? Yes! But I could also say that my sister just got married last August and I wanted desperately to lose weight for that. I saw the pics, believe me I NEEDED to lose weight for that wedding.

Is it because I don't want to be the biggest friend in my circle of friends anymore? Yes! But even that couldn't get me in the gym before.

Is it because I want to make my parents proud? Yes! But again I have felt the same way for YEARS, so why THIS time? I did realized that my weight has nothing to do with how proud they are to me. But that was an internal struggle that I had to realize. I thought they saw me how I saw me. And that is never right. Parents always see you better than you see youself!

I searched for the answer for weeks now, I searched on the top shelf, in the attic and even in the basement. I couldn't find something that sufficed. Then it came to me. It was simple it was easy.

I am TIRED. I am tired of feeling this way, and I am ready to move on. I am finally doing this for myself. I could argue that every time before was for superficial things, and I dieted, and went to the gym. I mean I am on my 3rd gym membership in 3 years!

But I realized that I couldn't jump on the elliptical for 30 min and still eat what I am eating now. I signed up for a diet/fitness plan at one of the gyms and my sister helped through it, but I was not ready. I still wanted to hold onto the weight.

It think I found comfort in the fact that Mr. fell in love with me when I felt the worse about myself. Finding comfort in that really makes me sad. It doesn't give him credit for every thing he has done for me.

So here I am. Going to the gym because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel good about myself, it makes me have hope for the future.

So the timing may not be right, I can't argue why it is now vs. other times. But now I feel that I am doing this for no one but myself. I am doing it so I love myself and can be proud of myself. Plan and simple. Its that easy. I won't be my dream weight by my wedding, and that's okay with me, but I am going to continue to fight to get where I want to be and that IS good enough for me.

To come: Why gym #3 is the magic gym!

Don't set yourself up for failure....kill the stigma

http://freshdaily.tumblr.com/post/3859041540/i-used-to-get-shamed-when-eating-with-friends-or

I was recently talking with my friend about how she has seen people in her life go on diets and fail. And every time they fail it is more and more heartbreaking to watch. Now we both are not saints when it comes to eating right or working out. So sometimes it is even more hard to watch! It is harder to watch because it we can relate to it.

So I came across this image and thought it was perfect! We can't think about it as dieting. When dieting comes into the word play we are setting ourselves up for failure. We are thinking about only eating right for a temporary period of time.We are thinking that once we reach our goal we can 'quit.' We as a society can't think that way. We can't think that losing weight or maintaining it is a part time job. Its a full time job for the rest of our lives. 

I don't want to think about my journey as a diet. I don't want to view it as a temporary fix until after I get married. I want to change my whole lifestyle from eating to spending more time in the gym and leading a more active lifestyle. If I view it as changing my life for the better forever, then that is how I need to look at it. 

It is a hard journey and it takes a lot of thinking on whether to eat something or not. It may be second nature to some, but it takes active thought, listening, and talking for me to come to rational conclusions on my hunger and choices of foods to eat. 

By looking at it as eating healthy it is easier to make better decisions. I don't feel like I am punishing myself when others eat more fatty foods, or fast food. I can look at it as a decision to not put that stuff in my body anymore instead of looking at is a punishment for being large and in charge.

So I think that we can't look at bettering our life as a punishment, and that we can't look at eating healthy as the end, but as the beginning. The beginning of our bodies feeling good, and light. Its the beginning of living a long and happy life. These things we can pass down to our children. Teach them to eat healthy and that there is no such thing as a diet that it is just a healthy lifestyle. This is something I can teach my own children.

Its just a four letter word...right?

I was all set on writing this last night but instead decided to have a cuddle session 2011 style with Mr. Man!

F.E.A.R.

It is physically a four letter word, but this four letter word has be paralyzed with anxiety. I was talking about this with a friend yesterday. So here are some questions, thoughts that I have regarding food, working out, and weight loss.

What happens when all the weight is gone?

Will I still love myself?

Will other people love me more?

Will it be easier to make friends? Are these friends going to be more superficial than the friends I made when I was fat? I mean at least they didn't become friends with me because of my physical features.

What if losing weight isn't the answer?

Am I really doing this for myself?

What if I don't like the end result?

Will my personality change too?

Am I losing weight because I want to be pretty or to be healthy?

What if I fail? I wrote this blog to help me and I don't want to tell everyone that I didn't make it!

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER I LOSE THE WEIGHT?

Fear is a main emotion that I feel about this whole weight issue. I am not a perfect person, far from it. But I just want to make sure that I am not looking for losing weight to make all my problems go away, and sometimes I think I do. I am working on other things in my life, on relationships, communications, etc. But weight has always been a front and center issue on my mind for 12 plus years. So I am afraid that when I reach my goal that I won't have anymore goals any my life will essentially be "done." So sometimes I think that I am holding onto my weight in order to always have something to work towards...to know that I have a goal and that I can work towards it. I feel that my weight is my shield in life. Its protecting me from feeling empty, and from others in the world. I never really expose myself 100%, I hide behind it. So what happens to the soldier when someone steals his shield? 

v\http://www.flickr.com/photos/linzie/1553898807/sizes/s/in/photostream/



What happens if I don't go?

Food:0 Me:1

I go to the gym day after day. I have my routine, Mondays are Bodypump, Tuesdays are Spinning, etc....

But what really gets me there day after day? Why do I show up? Do I get this great feeling of overall success? I mean weight loss is not a fast process, I don't see results right away.

The majority of the time I do go at my own will! BUT there is are plenty, PLENTY of times when I go because I know if I don't then Macy will notice. I am the first to admit that I can't do this on my own. I couldn't tell you the difference between a military press and a triceps kickback. But because of Macy I can. I could even show you!

Macy texts me making sure that I am coming, and frankly I really need that. I need to know that someone will notice if I don't show up. She teaches Pump and Spinning so when I don't go I get a text!

I go for myself, I do the workouts because it makes me feel good..eventually. But just knowing that I need to be accoutable is great. I hate being absent. Its one of my biggest pet peeves so I try not to!

So this is a shout out to Macy. Thank you for holding me accountable, thank you for telling me that I am doing a great job, and thank you for being a good example!

This is a short one today...more on Macy and more on our weekly workout plan!

Food is always on my mind.....

So there I was sitting at work and just thinking about my day and what I still had to get done. 

Okay that's a lie. I was thinking about food. I was thinking about what I had for breakfast an hour before, and what I had in my lunch bag. I kept analyzing my situation.

There I was 9 am thinking:

I had a banana and some coffee for breakfast (I was running late and had to grab something to go). 

What is in my lunch bag that I can eat and not feel guilty about? Grapes, strawberries, blueberries, carrots or my Subway sandwich? 

Carrots are out! I mean its still relatively breakfast time. 

Blueberries are kinda messing and I am still typing.

Strawberries you have to worry about the leaves and seeds stuck in my teeth and I don't really want to deal with that right now.

SO....I had grapes.

Now its 10am.....

I am STARVING!

I just had grapes! There are some left....

Look at my water bottle! I have had hardly anything to drink! 

DRINK UP.

I wonder what Will is making for dinner......

Should I make dinner?

We took that chicken out last night.....

An hour passes and 11 rolls by:

OMG what is that lady eating! It smells gross....

Huh I think its soup...

No its got to be chicken....

Spaghetti? 

Only an hour till lunch! I can survive! 

NOON!

While eating lunch I thought about what could I save for an afternoon snack...

That cake we had this past weekend was deliciouso!

Why do I let myself get into these situations!

Long story short the rest of my day consisted of similar thoughts. A song popped on during spinning and it all made sense to me!

Just Like a Pill by Pink

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink too much (only a select few have seen me in my prime during the 4th of July...seriously though you have to meet this family...someone has to keep up! I mean I am the only one who has made it back year after year!)

Food! I love food. Food is my addiction. It makes me feel better during a bad day...always watches movies with me...it NEVER lets me down. I can't rely on food anymore to fill the voids in my life, to make me feel better on a bad day, to make me forget my life and what I don't like about it. I can't look at food without wondering what is going to happen at the NEXT meal. I need to start focusing on this meal, what is in front of me. 

Food can no longer feel for me. I have to start feeling my own feelings, cry if I am sad, yell if I am angry. Get them out any way that I need to and any way I can. Not to feed them with fatty foods. I can always blame others for why I am the way I am, but the only person that picks up the food and puts it in my mouth is me. 

Food addiction is hard. I can't just quit cold turkey, I can't avoid it. I need to learn to live with it because food is NEVER going to go away and with out it I will die. 

So here it goes....my relationship with food is my priority! Sorry Mr. Man. You got me front and center for 3 plus years. Now its food who gets all my attention.

Do I have to go?! But....

I think that this pretty much sums up how I feel today.

This past weekend I didn't work out, I can give you a ton of excuses (I was doing wedding stuff all weekend, my calves hurt so much that I could barely walk up the stairs (I don't even want to mention the difficulties of the bathroom; why do they make toilets sooo close to the ground?), I was at my parents the whole weekend...) the list could probably go on. Although all those things did happen this past weekend I need to start realizing that they are excuses. I need fit being active into my life better, it doesn't matter if I am just taking a walk, running up and down the stairs a couple of times or running around with the dogs outside. Wanting to live an active lifestyle does't mean Mon - Wed, but everyday. Start making small changes. Taking the stairs instead of the elevator, or an exercise ball instead of a chair, or walking durning my breaks instead of surfing the net.

This poster reminds me everyday that no matter what I will be faster than those chosing to sit on the couch at home. And for now that is good enough for me.

Movie Titles are Relevant

True Grit. 

These two words have changed my life. 

Woman's Health an article in their April issue that spoke to me. It woke me up and shook me to the core. The title of the article is: True Grit: The Secret of Success. It showed me that it isn't how athletic I am or how in shape I am. It is a matter of me showing up everyday. I may not want to be there, I may not be in the mood, I may not even give it my 100%, but showing up anyway is better than not. Walking on the treadmill is better than the bag of chips and my couch at home (although it does have my favorite shows saved on netflix).

I need to push through my doubts and my inabilities. I need to ignore my inner voices convincing me that I can't do it. I need to SHOW UP.

Some things I took out of this article are:

"Visualize the end goal being realized, feel the feelings of success." I tell myself this everyday as I drive to the gym.

"I say to myself, My legs are like pistons, my lungs like bellows" Visualizing this can help me focus on what I want to do and not on my inabilities to do it.

I may not be the fastest, have the best form, best outfit, but I will SHOW-up EVERYDAY.

Forgetting my gym bag at home is no longer a sign that I wasn't supposed to go today. Feeling like I can't walk doesn't mean that I won't go. Days off can be taken walking around the track. 

Every morning I tell myself that I can do it. Don't worry about tomorrow work on myself today. I think its a good start.

How about a nice bike ride outside?

Well! No leisurely bike riding for me! I have the pleasure of spinning class tonight! The best part of spinning? The lights are turned off! NOT KIDDING! I sit in the back to ease the pressure off anyone who would want to look at my nice ass! But seriously, spinning in the dark! Whoever thought if that was a genus. So last night was a hard workout. I pushed my resistance (doesn't help that the teacher is my friend and I can see her giving me dirty looks while I spin away) and just imagined Miley Cyrus singing The Climb in my head (insert thought bubble here). Just as I am reaching the top of the hill my bike breaks! My first thought in my head was...."umm I always use this bike and it has always worked on me before"...followed by "I am really not that big, am I?" Needless to say the weather was awesome so no one was in class! So therefore I hopped onto the bike next to me and continued "the climb." Is it stuck in your head yet?! Well after class I let my instructor know that the bike broke and it is totally NOT my fault! She notifies me that it just probably the chain! Whew! That was a close one.

On the agenda today is stairs! How I loathe thee. I do have the luxury of doing these outside on such a wonderful day! So if you are driving past the Y and see me all I ask is no:

Honking
Pointing
Laughing

I am already scared enough of these stairs. I just keep picturing myself tripping both up and down the stairs, and I am afraid that any other distraction will increase my chance to meet my fate. I can see it now: front page news reads girl falls down Y steps. She is okay! But please don't try this at home. I'll keep you updated on my injuries.

Spring Cleaning

So here I am. Beginning again. I have recently been trying to lose weight and mostly it is because I am getting married this year.

With all my soul searching and calorie counting I have come to some conclusions.

Losing weight is NOT: 

Easy

Fast

Just about working out

Just about eating

An easy fix 

Losing weight IS:

Hard

Tiring

Mentally Draining

Its Frustrating

Is the most rewarding feeling

Is a lifestyle change

I recently got my stuff from my parents house, the reward of moving out! I found all my old journals and decided that it would be a fun thing to read through them with Mr. Right. While reading through them he came to a surprising discovery. I have been writing about my weight either by how its affecting me, on a goal sheet to lose it, or how if I did lose it all my problems would be solved, since I was 11. That's right for over 12 years over and over again I have new year resolutions for losing weight. 

While looking back I did not in fact lose any weight. I have gained some becoming comfortable with Mr. Right. But now I am DETERMINED to lose it. So far it is the hardest thing I have done, and it takes 100% of my focus 100% of the day. 

Now its a weighting game to see if I can finally accomplish my goal. Not for my wedding, not for my family, not for Mr. but for ME. This year I am going to be selfish. This year it is about ME.