So there I was sitting at work and just thinking about my day and what I still had to get done.
Okay that's a lie. I was thinking about food. I was thinking about what I had for breakfast an hour before, and what I had in my lunch bag. I kept analyzing my situation.
There I was 9 am thinking:
I had a banana and some coffee for breakfast (I was running late and had to grab something to go).
What is in my lunch bag that I can eat and not feel guilty about? Grapes, strawberries, blueberries, carrots or my Subway sandwich?
Carrots are out! I mean its still relatively breakfast time.
Blueberries are kinda messing and I am still typing.
Strawberries you have to worry about the leaves and seeds stuck in my teeth and I don't really want to deal with that right now.
SO....I had grapes.
Now its 10am.....
I am STARVING!
I just had grapes! There are some left....
Look at my water bottle! I have had hardly anything to drink!
DRINK UP.
I wonder what Will is making for dinner......
Should I make dinner?
We took that chicken out last night.....
An hour passes and 11 rolls by:
OMG what is that lady eating! It smells gross....
Huh I think its soup...
No its got to be chicken....
Spaghetti?
Only an hour till lunch! I can survive!
NOON!
While eating lunch I thought about what could I save for an afternoon snack...
That cake we had this past weekend was deliciouso!
Why do I let myself get into these situations!
Long story short the rest of my day consisted of similar thoughts. A song popped on during spinning and it all made sense to me!
Just Like a Pill by Pink
I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun
I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill
I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help
I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill
I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun
I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill
I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help
I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill
I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill
I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink too much (only a select few have seen me in my prime during the 4th of July...seriously though you have to meet this family...someone has to keep up! I mean I am the only one who has made it back year after year!)
Food! I love food. Food is my addiction. It makes me feel better during a bad day...always watches movies with me...it NEVER lets me down. I can't rely on food anymore to fill the voids in my life, to make me feel better on a bad day, to make me forget my life and what I don't like about it. I can't look at food without wondering what is going to happen at the NEXT meal. I need to start focusing on this meal, what is in front of me.
Food can no longer feel for me. I have to start feeling my own feelings, cry if I am sad, yell if I am angry. Get them out any way that I need to and any way I can. Not to feed them with fatty foods. I can always blame others for why I am the way I am, but the only person that picks up the food and puts it in my mouth is me.
Food addiction is hard. I can't just quit cold turkey, I can't avoid it. I need to learn to live with it because food is NEVER going to go away and with out it I will die.
So here it goes....my relationship with food is my priority! Sorry Mr. Man. You got me front and center for 3 plus years. Now its food who gets all my attention.
I like this post... you're a good writer :)
ReplyDelete...aaaaaand now I have that song in my head!
It doesn’t matter how disciplined you are or if you have the strongest will power ever. EVERY ONE needs a cheat day. You don’t have to go totally off the wagon but indulge yourself a little. one of the biggest reasons that people can’t stick to their diet goals is because of 2 reasons. They deprive themselves of food they love and because they view it as a "diet". As you already know it is a life style change..keep telling yourself that. you cant eat carrots forever! This is why programs like weightwatchers are so awesome. They allow you to eat what you want but become more aware of what you are putting into your body. It is designed so that you aren’t depriving yourself of foods you love and then becoming discouraged.
ReplyDeleteA great program that doesn’t cost ANYTHING is the daily plate.. Lance Armstrong started it. It mirrors weightwatchers and has really great recipes and point tracking. www.livestrong.com/thedailyplate
I am not going off the wagon. I am not going on a diet. I am just trying to control my emotional eating. I can't eat my emotions and that is what I am working on. So I am not trying to deprive myself of anything. But there are reasons why I am/feel the way I do and part of it is b/c I am putting chemical food into my body. But I agree with you, letting yourself have a cheat day.
ReplyDeleteI am going to have to look into the daily plate. Thank you!