Defeat....Competition....Fear of failure

Here we go again....

So as all of you can see I have taken a hiatus from blogging. I could come up with all these great stories:

• Too busy with wedding stuff! 17 DAYS
• Too busy working out! LIE
• Too busy figuring out life! WHO ISN'T?
• I'm losing weight fantastically and no longer feel like I need to blog. LIE
• I am lazy. YES
• I stare at a computer all day and the last thing I want to do is to go home and stare at one again. True but that is an excuse and I am professional at those.

So as you can see I can come up with quite the list if I wanted to, but the reality of the situation is that I wasn't seeing the results that I wanted to see. I have lost weight and inches (go me!) but not the level that I wanted. I got discouraged and haven't been trying as hard as I can. It is a lie if I told you that I try my hardest because I feel like I can do better. I feel like there is so much more in me. I know I can succeed and I just need to start thinking that way. I have these "aha" moments where I have so much belief in myself, so much confidence that I WILL do this. But those moments are short and too far in-between. This blog helped me everyday see my struggle and to see that I need to tell myself that I can do this. It may be the craziest vision in your head (me talking myself up) but I have to do it. I have heard so many put downs my whole life that my brain has developed thinking that way. Thinking failure. The logic with that is that if I fail then at least I tried. You can't fail if you have never tried. But picking up a barbell isn't the same as trying, giving it your all. 

Another reason that I have stopped writing the blog was that I was afraid that all of you would see my failure. It is one thing to see myself fail because I am used to it. I am used to standing on the scale day after day and seeing the same number, or feeling the waist line of my jeans day after day. But I don't want all of you too see me as a failure. That is something I can not handle. So if I stopped writing my blog maybe no one would know that I am failing. 

So here I am...I am going to lay it all out there, every failure, excuse running though my head, and every success. Failure or not I know feel like I am actually TRYING.