Dad

My Dad

Sorry for the delay in posting. I got an early call on Thursday April 21st from my sister informing me that my father had unexpectadly passed away.

This has been a hard time for our family to get through, we all have many questions and want even more answers. This great man has died and he has left this world a better place. We got to see this through all the lives he has touched. As a teacher at Johnson High School he touched many of the students lives, and they showed their grattitude by making tons of posters, and creating a facebook page dedicated to him. This out-pouring of love has really helped our family through this difficult time.

I have been tested early in this new struggle of my eating and weight. I failed horribly. Not that I ate and I ate, in fact I did the opposite. I stopped. I stopped eating, and laughing and living. This is not what my dad would want and I have to remind myself of these things. I will get through this with the help of God and of family and friends. They have helped me so much already. I am eternally grateful!

So now I ask my dad to help me through my struggles in life and hope that he is holding my hand as I continue to walk this world without him. I will remember that he will carry me when I need him the most and he will hold my hand whenever I need/want him to. For that I am grateful!

I am so grateful that he was in my life and that I got him for more than a teacher. He was my dad and I got him 100%. I have to remember how lucky I am for that.

Thank you dad for everything you have done for me. Thank you for showing me love through how much you loved each of your girls. I will remember you often and always.

I will take it slow and smile often just as you always told us to.

Love you!

The BIG day!

One word defines today: POTLUCK

We have a potluck today at work.....lets cross our fingers and hope that I make good decisions! I made these fabulous fruit kabobs! Nummy!

Anyway this really spoke to me when I found it:

Period. That is so powerful because its so true. I can make a million excuses but excuses don't get you anywhere! They give you opportunity and permission to fail.

No more complaining about the snowstorm coming and saying "gotta get home and skip the gym." = Now I will say well good thing I have P90X at home!

Its getting late I don't have time for a workout = Do some push ups and sit ups before bed!

I have plans with friends = go rollerblading, or walking, or invite them to the gym.

I am NOT going to fail.

NO MORE EXCUSES. JUST DO IT.

Is timing everything?

We wait and plan everything.

Wait to get married until we are done with school, wait to have kids until we buy a house, wait...wait...wait...

So the question is: Is there such a thing as perfect timing?

I think the answer is NO. There is no perfect time for anything because we can always think of something else we want to do before we have kids (Ireland?) or buy a house (get a better job). But the reality is that we may never be 100% okay at the time things happen, but we learn to adapt and to go with the "plan."

Mr. Man had asked me what is different about now? You have wanted/complained/pointed these flaws you see for years. You have tried before, even signed up for a program, but you didn't give it your 100%. I want to see you succeed and I want you to be happy, and I want you to see yourself for how beautiful you are to me. But what is it this time? Where is your motivation coming from?

That's a GREAT question. A question I have been trying to answer for awhile now. Why do I seem to have a motivation for this when I lacked it in the past?

Is it because of my wedding? Yes! But I could also say that my sister just got married last August and I wanted desperately to lose weight for that. I saw the pics, believe me I NEEDED to lose weight for that wedding.

Is it because I don't want to be the biggest friend in my circle of friends anymore? Yes! But even that couldn't get me in the gym before.

Is it because I want to make my parents proud? Yes! But again I have felt the same way for YEARS, so why THIS time? I did realized that my weight has nothing to do with how proud they are to me. But that was an internal struggle that I had to realize. I thought they saw me how I saw me. And that is never right. Parents always see you better than you see youself!

I searched for the answer for weeks now, I searched on the top shelf, in the attic and even in the basement. I couldn't find something that sufficed. Then it came to me. It was simple it was easy.

I am TIRED. I am tired of feeling this way, and I am ready to move on. I am finally doing this for myself. I could argue that every time before was for superficial things, and I dieted, and went to the gym. I mean I am on my 3rd gym membership in 3 years!

But I realized that I couldn't jump on the elliptical for 30 min and still eat what I am eating now. I signed up for a diet/fitness plan at one of the gyms and my sister helped through it, but I was not ready. I still wanted to hold onto the weight.

It think I found comfort in the fact that Mr. fell in love with me when I felt the worse about myself. Finding comfort in that really makes me sad. It doesn't give him credit for every thing he has done for me.

So here I am. Going to the gym because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel good about myself, it makes me have hope for the future.

So the timing may not be right, I can't argue why it is now vs. other times. But now I feel that I am doing this for no one but myself. I am doing it so I love myself and can be proud of myself. Plan and simple. Its that easy. I won't be my dream weight by my wedding, and that's okay with me, but I am going to continue to fight to get where I want to be and that IS good enough for me.

To come: Why gym #3 is the magic gym!

Don't set yourself up for failure....kill the stigma

http://freshdaily.tumblr.com/post/3859041540/i-used-to-get-shamed-when-eating-with-friends-or

I was recently talking with my friend about how she has seen people in her life go on diets and fail. And every time they fail it is more and more heartbreaking to watch. Now we both are not saints when it comes to eating right or working out. So sometimes it is even more hard to watch! It is harder to watch because it we can relate to it.

So I came across this image and thought it was perfect! We can't think about it as dieting. When dieting comes into the word play we are setting ourselves up for failure. We are thinking about only eating right for a temporary period of time.We are thinking that once we reach our goal we can 'quit.' We as a society can't think that way. We can't think that losing weight or maintaining it is a part time job. Its a full time job for the rest of our lives. 

I don't want to think about my journey as a diet. I don't want to view it as a temporary fix until after I get married. I want to change my whole lifestyle from eating to spending more time in the gym and leading a more active lifestyle. If I view it as changing my life for the better forever, then that is how I need to look at it. 

It is a hard journey and it takes a lot of thinking on whether to eat something or not. It may be second nature to some, but it takes active thought, listening, and talking for me to come to rational conclusions on my hunger and choices of foods to eat. 

By looking at it as eating healthy it is easier to make better decisions. I don't feel like I am punishing myself when others eat more fatty foods, or fast food. I can look at it as a decision to not put that stuff in my body anymore instead of looking at is a punishment for being large and in charge.

So I think that we can't look at bettering our life as a punishment, and that we can't look at eating healthy as the end, but as the beginning. The beginning of our bodies feeling good, and light. Its the beginning of living a long and happy life. These things we can pass down to our children. Teach them to eat healthy and that there is no such thing as a diet that it is just a healthy lifestyle. This is something I can teach my own children.

Its just a four letter word...right?

I was all set on writing this last night but instead decided to have a cuddle session 2011 style with Mr. Man!

F.E.A.R.

It is physically a four letter word, but this four letter word has be paralyzed with anxiety. I was talking about this with a friend yesterday. So here are some questions, thoughts that I have regarding food, working out, and weight loss.

What happens when all the weight is gone?

Will I still love myself?

Will other people love me more?

Will it be easier to make friends? Are these friends going to be more superficial than the friends I made when I was fat? I mean at least they didn't become friends with me because of my physical features.

What if losing weight isn't the answer?

Am I really doing this for myself?

What if I don't like the end result?

Will my personality change too?

Am I losing weight because I want to be pretty or to be healthy?

What if I fail? I wrote this blog to help me and I don't want to tell everyone that I didn't make it!

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER I LOSE THE WEIGHT?

Fear is a main emotion that I feel about this whole weight issue. I am not a perfect person, far from it. But I just want to make sure that I am not looking for losing weight to make all my problems go away, and sometimes I think I do. I am working on other things in my life, on relationships, communications, etc. But weight has always been a front and center issue on my mind for 12 plus years. So I am afraid that when I reach my goal that I won't have anymore goals any my life will essentially be "done." So sometimes I think that I am holding onto my weight in order to always have something to work towards...to know that I have a goal and that I can work towards it. I feel that my weight is my shield in life. Its protecting me from feeling empty, and from others in the world. I never really expose myself 100%, I hide behind it. So what happens to the soldier when someone steals his shield? 

v\http://www.flickr.com/photos/linzie/1553898807/sizes/s/in/photostream/



What happens if I don't go?

Food:0 Me:1

I go to the gym day after day. I have my routine, Mondays are Bodypump, Tuesdays are Spinning, etc....

But what really gets me there day after day? Why do I show up? Do I get this great feeling of overall success? I mean weight loss is not a fast process, I don't see results right away.

The majority of the time I do go at my own will! BUT there is are plenty, PLENTY of times when I go because I know if I don't then Macy will notice. I am the first to admit that I can't do this on my own. I couldn't tell you the difference between a military press and a triceps kickback. But because of Macy I can. I could even show you!

Macy texts me making sure that I am coming, and frankly I really need that. I need to know that someone will notice if I don't show up. She teaches Pump and Spinning so when I don't go I get a text!

I go for myself, I do the workouts because it makes me feel good..eventually. But just knowing that I need to be accoutable is great. I hate being absent. Its one of my biggest pet peeves so I try not to!

So this is a shout out to Macy. Thank you for holding me accountable, thank you for telling me that I am doing a great job, and thank you for being a good example!

This is a short one today...more on Macy and more on our weekly workout plan!

Food is always on my mind.....

So there I was sitting at work and just thinking about my day and what I still had to get done. 

Okay that's a lie. I was thinking about food. I was thinking about what I had for breakfast an hour before, and what I had in my lunch bag. I kept analyzing my situation.

There I was 9 am thinking:

I had a banana and some coffee for breakfast (I was running late and had to grab something to go). 

What is in my lunch bag that I can eat and not feel guilty about? Grapes, strawberries, blueberries, carrots or my Subway sandwich? 

Carrots are out! I mean its still relatively breakfast time. 

Blueberries are kinda messing and I am still typing.

Strawberries you have to worry about the leaves and seeds stuck in my teeth and I don't really want to deal with that right now.

SO....I had grapes.

Now its 10am.....

I am STARVING!

I just had grapes! There are some left....

Look at my water bottle! I have had hardly anything to drink! 

DRINK UP.

I wonder what Will is making for dinner......

Should I make dinner?

We took that chicken out last night.....

An hour passes and 11 rolls by:

OMG what is that lady eating! It smells gross....

Huh I think its soup...

No its got to be chicken....

Spaghetti? 

Only an hour till lunch! I can survive! 

NOON!

While eating lunch I thought about what could I save for an afternoon snack...

That cake we had this past weekend was deliciouso!

Why do I let myself get into these situations!

Long story short the rest of my day consisted of similar thoughts. A song popped on during spinning and it all made sense to me!

Just Like a Pill by Pink

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink too much (only a select few have seen me in my prime during the 4th of July...seriously though you have to meet this family...someone has to keep up! I mean I am the only one who has made it back year after year!)

Food! I love food. Food is my addiction. It makes me feel better during a bad day...always watches movies with me...it NEVER lets me down. I can't rely on food anymore to fill the voids in my life, to make me feel better on a bad day, to make me forget my life and what I don't like about it. I can't look at food without wondering what is going to happen at the NEXT meal. I need to start focusing on this meal, what is in front of me. 

Food can no longer feel for me. I have to start feeling my own feelings, cry if I am sad, yell if I am angry. Get them out any way that I need to and any way I can. Not to feed them with fatty foods. I can always blame others for why I am the way I am, but the only person that picks up the food and puts it in my mouth is me. 

Food addiction is hard. I can't just quit cold turkey, I can't avoid it. I need to learn to live with it because food is NEVER going to go away and with out it I will die. 

So here it goes....my relationship with food is my priority! Sorry Mr. Man. You got me front and center for 3 plus years. Now its food who gets all my attention.

Do I have to go?! But....

I think that this pretty much sums up how I feel today.

This past weekend I didn't work out, I can give you a ton of excuses (I was doing wedding stuff all weekend, my calves hurt so much that I could barely walk up the stairs (I don't even want to mention the difficulties of the bathroom; why do they make toilets sooo close to the ground?), I was at my parents the whole weekend...) the list could probably go on. Although all those things did happen this past weekend I need to start realizing that they are excuses. I need fit being active into my life better, it doesn't matter if I am just taking a walk, running up and down the stairs a couple of times or running around with the dogs outside. Wanting to live an active lifestyle does't mean Mon - Wed, but everyday. Start making small changes. Taking the stairs instead of the elevator, or an exercise ball instead of a chair, or walking durning my breaks instead of surfing the net.

This poster reminds me everyday that no matter what I will be faster than those chosing to sit on the couch at home. And for now that is good enough for me.

Movie Titles are Relevant

True Grit. 

These two words have changed my life. 

Woman's Health an article in their April issue that spoke to me. It woke me up and shook me to the core. The title of the article is: True Grit: The Secret of Success. It showed me that it isn't how athletic I am or how in shape I am. It is a matter of me showing up everyday. I may not want to be there, I may not be in the mood, I may not even give it my 100%, but showing up anyway is better than not. Walking on the treadmill is better than the bag of chips and my couch at home (although it does have my favorite shows saved on netflix).

I need to push through my doubts and my inabilities. I need to ignore my inner voices convincing me that I can't do it. I need to SHOW UP.

Some things I took out of this article are:

"Visualize the end goal being realized, feel the feelings of success." I tell myself this everyday as I drive to the gym.

"I say to myself, My legs are like pistons, my lungs like bellows" Visualizing this can help me focus on what I want to do and not on my inabilities to do it.

I may not be the fastest, have the best form, best outfit, but I will SHOW-up EVERYDAY.

Forgetting my gym bag at home is no longer a sign that I wasn't supposed to go today. Feeling like I can't walk doesn't mean that I won't go. Days off can be taken walking around the track. 

Every morning I tell myself that I can do it. Don't worry about tomorrow work on myself today. I think its a good start.

How about a nice bike ride outside?

Well! No leisurely bike riding for me! I have the pleasure of spinning class tonight! The best part of spinning? The lights are turned off! NOT KIDDING! I sit in the back to ease the pressure off anyone who would want to look at my nice ass! But seriously, spinning in the dark! Whoever thought if that was a genus. So last night was a hard workout. I pushed my resistance (doesn't help that the teacher is my friend and I can see her giving me dirty looks while I spin away) and just imagined Miley Cyrus singing The Climb in my head (insert thought bubble here). Just as I am reaching the top of the hill my bike breaks! My first thought in my head was...."umm I always use this bike and it has always worked on me before"...followed by "I am really not that big, am I?" Needless to say the weather was awesome so no one was in class! So therefore I hopped onto the bike next to me and continued "the climb." Is it stuck in your head yet?! Well after class I let my instructor know that the bike broke and it is totally NOT my fault! She notifies me that it just probably the chain! Whew! That was a close one.

On the agenda today is stairs! How I loathe thee. I do have the luxury of doing these outside on such a wonderful day! So if you are driving past the Y and see me all I ask is no:

Honking
Pointing
Laughing

I am already scared enough of these stairs. I just keep picturing myself tripping both up and down the stairs, and I am afraid that any other distraction will increase my chance to meet my fate. I can see it now: front page news reads girl falls down Y steps. She is okay! But please don't try this at home. I'll keep you updated on my injuries.

Spring Cleaning

So here I am. Beginning again. I have recently been trying to lose weight and mostly it is because I am getting married this year.

With all my soul searching and calorie counting I have come to some conclusions.

Losing weight is NOT: 

Easy

Fast

Just about working out

Just about eating

An easy fix 

Losing weight IS:

Hard

Tiring

Mentally Draining

Its Frustrating

Is the most rewarding feeling

Is a lifestyle change

I recently got my stuff from my parents house, the reward of moving out! I found all my old journals and decided that it would be a fun thing to read through them with Mr. Right. While reading through them he came to a surprising discovery. I have been writing about my weight either by how its affecting me, on a goal sheet to lose it, or how if I did lose it all my problems would be solved, since I was 11. That's right for over 12 years over and over again I have new year resolutions for losing weight. 

While looking back I did not in fact lose any weight. I have gained some becoming comfortable with Mr. Right. But now I am DETERMINED to lose it. So far it is the hardest thing I have done, and it takes 100% of my focus 100% of the day. 

Now its a weighting game to see if I can finally accomplish my goal. Not for my wedding, not for my family, not for Mr. but for ME. This year I am going to be selfish. This year it is about ME.