The right beginnings

Beginnings and endings.

Most of the time one chooses their beginnings:

• Taking a semester off of school
• Starting the diet on Monday
• Saying "yes" to love
• When to have a baby

However, endings often come abruptly with a mix of emotions:

• Death
• Graduation
• Employment termination
• The end of vacations

Looking at my past post's one of my more recent ones was talking about for the past 10+ years I have been seeing weight accumulate onto my body and wishing it away. I would start new programs, and would do GREAT for a week or so, but nothing ever stuck, so time and time again I would feel those feelings of failure, I would see it painted on the faces of those that loved me. After seeing the failing I would take the extreme measure and use food as my comfort (just what I DON'T want to do), and I would grow and grow, as if I were a chia pet! 

This weighting game is a journey. It requires TONS of research, commitment, openness, patience, and determination. It is HARD. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but now I feel so much calmer about it. Previously, food would be on my mind 24/7. I would think about it as if it were the elephant in the room. I would give in without a second thought. Now I feel like decisions regarding food choices and being active are so second nature that I no longer think about it. However, this did not come without come begging and pleading with my husband because the difference now is that I have a teammate. I have someone on my side, someone who can see my challenges, and who is understanding my failures. 

Taking this journey by yourself can be overwhelming all the information you find out about yourself. It can be lonely because there isn't someone out there that can relate on that intimate level with you. They understand and feel bad that you failed, but you are the only one that understands the importance of the failure, and the snowball that you just created. Research out there states to find  gym buddy, to find someone to work with you, and learning from 10+ years of experience I can't agree more. He pushes me to go to the gym together, he is there to comfort my feelings of looking like a fat loser lifting weights, he is there to tell me no and make me make dinner. 

I have never felt this calm and second natured about anything in my entire life. Lets see where this takes us!

Who wants a new addiction?

Pinterest...the new addiction

I am SURE everyone has heard (if not joined) Pinterest. I LOVE it...and am, slightly, obsessed
Today is my first full day off of work and school! It is SUMMER!! Naturally I took my time this sweet morning and sat with my cup of coffee and Pinterest at my new patio set. While "pinning" I noticed that I named one of my boards HEALTHY BODY, HEALTHY MIND. And it hit me that this is BEYOND true. I have found that at my lowest points it is all in my head, and that the clearest, happiest moments where when I was taking care of my body. That peaceful state where everything is tranquil is when you are taking care of yourself, eating healthy, exercising and making time for those that matter to you.

Sometimes when you feel you aren't doing one of them to the fullest extent the others start to fall away as well. You are no longer in homeostasis and everything starts to crumble. My goal this summer is to build my wall back up brick by brick. It is going to be a long journey, but this time I will try to call on others for support. I wish my sister lived closer to me, I wish that it was her and I juggling our bricks together because it is her who knows my daily struggle before words are formed.

The Lonely...round bazillion

THE LONELY
Christina Perri

2am; where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

This is the song that I keep running back to. It makes sense to me right now. I am the only one traveling the path that I am on...and so I am the only one that I have to be with.

I started Graduate School in January and I love it, but it is a completely different world! I am the only one in my group of friends back in school and I am not sure how I feel about that...I am still working through that. I have made some friends in school but after recent events I don't know who or how I can trust. I wonder how one can trust after things are thrown in their face time and time again, but I think it comes down to faith in yourself and faith in the other person.

I have figured out in the recent weeks that I had replaced a previous (detrimental) habit with food. I never worked through those feelings of inadequacy and poor ability to forgive myself. I used to have a horrible habit that, luckily, I stopped doing, but I feel like I replaced it with food and I don't feel that food is better. I have been thinking about it lately and I feel that food is worse....they both leave scars, they both fill a void for awhile, but both end up making you feel even WORSE about yourself.

After the last couple of weeks I have wanted to skip the food and go straight to old habits, and this surprised me and got me thinking.

I can lose all the weight in the world, I can look like a million dollars, but that won't give me the ability to forgive myself, to let things go, to not feel inadequate.

Someone once told me that it comes down to self-control...if that was the case then I think a lot more people would not be in the boat that I am. I understand that yes self-control is a HUGE piece of it, but I don't know how to get to the self-control I need without fixing all the pieces of me laying on the floor in front of me.

I am shattered person with pieces laying all around...I wish there was someone that could put me back together, but humpty dumpty couldn't be put together.....

So here I am again...for the bazillionth time...

I can't tell you how many times I have began again...I do know that looking back in life I had journal entries at 10yrs old wishing that I would lose weight...

10 YEARS - That's a problem!