So its finally here....

So we are all moved in. This is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for us to move so I can start over, so I can start clean.

Is this how all beginnings feel? I am so ready for this to start. I am excited, scared, happy, nervous. I have all these emotions all wrapped into one and I don't know which way I should go. One step at a time because I don't think I want to fall off the edge into the abyss just so I can find ground one day and fail. I want to be aware all the way!

The other day I was running (yes! running, for those of you who know what I look like it can be quite the struggle! for those of you who don't...think Baywatch!) I had an aha! moment. I had this moment where I feel like everything finally made sense. I just wanted this so bad all of a sudden and I would do anything to get it. This motivation chip just turned on and I found myself excited for what was before me.

Now don't get me wrong, I was always excited, but the emotion that was primarily fueling my drive was fear. Fear of what would happen if I didn't do it. Fear of those looks on my wedding day of a larger girl with wings of fat in her dress. Fear that I would continue to grow outward and not be able to ever own a bikini. Those were the fears running around in my brain, and one night it came crashing down around me when some guys called me a grenade (if you don't know what that means, google it or ask your friend that watches the jersey shore). But those fears didn't get me anywhere. I feel like I am in the same spot that I was months ago. I have realized that I can't be afraid of those things. I have to embrace who I am.

I am probably the most self-conscious person I know. I am always thinking about what others think and how they will see me that I has never dawned on me that they don't see the flaws I see. Admitting that I am doing this for how I want others to see has taken me years to admit.

So there it is. I was doing this because I was afraid of what others thought of me and I thought that by changing my outward appearance all my other flaws would magically go away. I have to embrace who I am and my flaws. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. I need to work on seeing that others are not perfect no matter their size or appearance.

So during my run I thought that I could really do this. I can really be happy. My weight isn't my answer, but its a huge reason why I am so unhappy.

Moving is my new start!

I am moving! I am so excited I can not tell you how much I have been looking forward to this since moving in with Mr. Man. We are getting a bigger place and I am looking forward to creating us a life there together!

Another great reason for moving is that I can guilt free throw away our remaining CRAP! And in that I mean FOOD! I am using this move as a new start. It is when I can start completely blank and just jump on the Eat Clean bandwagon! I do not want any junk food to follow us to the new house because then I feel like we are living the same lives!

NO! I am putting my foot down. I have read more than enough information about food, sugar, cholesterol etc to know that I need this. I NEED to just jump into it. Easing into it has not worked for the past 5ish months. i just have to say goodbye and rip that band aid off. I know in good time that I won't even miss those foods or drinks, but it will take time and so much self control that I am going to need all the help I can get.

I am sure it is going to feel like a break-up. I mean that is just what it is because food is my drug of choice. I am breaking up with my old food and my old habits to start a new life. It will take time, and I hate that saying. Time I mean we always here its short, but sometimes it is the longest healer.

So for now I am going with this:



Do you ever get the urge to do something at exactly the time you COULDN'T do it?

So...I have been doing a TON of reading about food, and supplements, and superfoods etc. I have read many books and different perspectives, but right now I am really REALLY excited about the Eat Clean diet! I got all the books and am busy reading and highlighting my life away.

However, I read mostly at work! This is a problem. The reason that this is a problem is because I get soo motivated and excited about following it! It makes me want to go and workout and just be healthy. It is motivating! But then i remind myself that I am still at work, and unfortunately by the time work is done my motivation is just not there like it was when I first cracked the book at 6am!

I still go to the gym most days after work unless something better comes along...( I am WORKING on it!). I am getting better about scheduling working out and telling my friends that I can't do something until after. I am proud of myself for that!

NOW how do I keep up that level of excitment and motivation throughout the day?

Shout out to Sara Mac! GOOD for you GIRL! Your amazing and I can't WAIT to see you this weekend!

Are checklists only for the week days? What about the weekends?

We treat weekends as a mini vacation from our real lives. But weekends happen all the time. We can't treat them as vacations all the time. We throw away our routines and along with them our goals. 

I find myself filling my days on the weekend with everything but working out and eating right. I eat on the fly all the time, and even if I am sitting at home doing nothing the gym isn't even in my radar. I wish it was, but I feel like the gym takes up too much of my time on the weekend. I mean going there, working out for a couple of hours, and coming home, showering and getting ready again. But why do I think this takes up too much time on the weekends but not during the week? I mean I work all day and I am so excited to get to the gym, but I HATE it on the weekend. Its the same gym, same people, same equipment, but it still doesn't FEEL the same. Why is that? UGH!

I set my goal, but I don't make a plan. I do everything I can to avoid it. So my goal is never reached. 

I want this to be a lifestyle change and so I have to let it change my lifestyle. I can't be resistant to it. I need to change, if I don't than I am in the same position that I have been in, and I don't want that. 

Will I change more than my lifestyle? Will my personality change? Will my friends see me differently? I don't want this to become my life. I don't want to be the friend that always talks about what they are eating is SO bad for them, or that I need to ditch them for the gym. I need to find that balance, but until then I feel like I will be obsessed with this part of my life. I feel like there will be an unbalance. I think this is why I am afraid to workout on the weekends. I am not ready to give that part of my life yet. I am saving that for my friends. 

It is always easier to read but harder to do. As the saying goes "Do as I say and not as I do"

Hello! Sorry I have been gone for awhile! I have been busy wedding planning and focusing on my eating.

Work has been slow lately and so I have been able to really get some research done regarding food and my diet. It helps that a coworker is also looking into revamping her eating style and that of her family as well. So we have been reading and reading research after research and book after book. We even got into some blogs! But being the pyschology major I am didn't think that blogs were a trusted source. Sure they can be testemonials, but I need something to back up the testemonials. I am always a sucker for them though. I love reading success stories, but I HAVE to know the research behind them. With that said I have come to the conclusion that the plan that looks the best to me is the Eat Clean Diet. If you read Oxygen that you are probably familiar with this approach.

Eat Clean is just that. Eat cleanly. Just eat things with the least amougt of ingrediants possible. As the saying goes try to stick to the peimeter of the grocery store! I am not going to try and define/summarize the eat clean diet in my blog since the author has written multiple books and cookbooks. If you are interested you can find all the information you need here: Eat Clean

I have been looking at different diets, eating styles becuase all you hear is that when you are losing weight its earned on the plate and not in the gym. This is so frustrating. I guess it is easier to go the gym and work my a$$ off then to change my eating style. I don't know why I am holding on to this. I know cognitively that I HAVE to do it. But I honestly don't know why it is SO hard.

I know that I run to food for comfort and I have been working on really paying attention to my emtions and if I am really hungry at that moment or if I am using it as a comfort. But I have been doing it for so long that I know I convince myself that it is hunger! I guess this is my hardest struggle.

It is even more a struggle when I feel like I am on this bandwagon alone. I have my support from people from work, and I know I have the support of my friends and family, but sometimes support isn't enough. I have to struggle to say no, and I don't like to say no because I don't want to be the only one saying no all the time. I am trying to make healthy decisions when it comes to eating out, but just being in the restaurant I start to feel like puddy and will just order whatever I want. Thats my problem. I know it makes me feel like crap, but I can't help it. That moment on the lips is worth the lifetime on the hips in that one moment of weakness. I wish I could get past this, but I guess this what I have been trying to work on. I guess I will be working on this for the rest of my life.

Wish me luck!

Body pump is more of a jump start!

Every Monday you can find me at Body Pump, sweating in the back while begging the instructor (Macy) to quit early. This Monday the Y was closed so Body Pump was out of the question. 

What I didn't realize is that I needed Body Pump to jump start my workouts for the week. I found myself on Tuesday aimlessly walking around the weight room feeling like I just wanted to go home!

Today was much of the same. My attitude just wasn't there. My mind was off somewhere else! Macy was there today to bring my head back to the weight room.

I just feel out of tune and the reason why is that my routine didn't start off on Monday like it usually does. But this shouldn't ruin the rest of the week and I am letting it.

Who knew something I consider to have no power over me ruin my whole week of focus. 

I feel like I keep adding weight to my uphill battle and I am never going to reach the top. Someday is feeling VERY far away right now.

 

Should holiday weekends be feared or cause you anxiety?

Memorial Day Weekend is:

A glorious three day weekend away from work. Friday afternoon can't come soon enough and it is always over sooner than anyone would like. 

This holiday weekend found me in southern Minnesota at my sister's glorious new home! It was a weekend packed full of hanging out! Those are always the best vacations! You don't have to go anywhere, you don't have an agenda, you just hang out and play cards, rock band Beatles, and Geocaching! It was just what I needed. 

But when vacations come along so does vacation food! I was looking forward to taking a break from my daily grind and just enjoy everything sitting around on the counter and not feel guilty! The food was delicious! But it was food I wasn't used to and it got me thinking...when we take vacations to what extent do we leave our lives back home? 

We physically leave our houses, and our pets, our daily routine, but do we NEED to leave everything? We bring ourselves with, and our likes and dislikes so can't we bring some semblance of our lives? Eating right and exercising is becoming more and more important to me and I want to find a way to take some of that with me! That is what my new goal is. I want to try and figure out how to take some of our life with us. I want to be able to not give up on my diet for days (although I enjoyed every minute of it), and to try and exercise. But the balance is still trying to remember that I am on vacation and that it is okay to take a break! I think I will be working on this for awhile! 

Sorry for the break in posts! I am trying to keep up on it!