The right beginnings

Beginnings and endings.

Most of the time one chooses their beginnings:

• Taking a semester off of school
• Starting the diet on Monday
• Saying "yes" to love
• When to have a baby

However, endings often come abruptly with a mix of emotions:

• Death
• Graduation
• Employment termination
• The end of vacations

Looking at my past post's one of my more recent ones was talking about for the past 10+ years I have been seeing weight accumulate onto my body and wishing it away. I would start new programs, and would do GREAT for a week or so, but nothing ever stuck, so time and time again I would feel those feelings of failure, I would see it painted on the faces of those that loved me. After seeing the failing I would take the extreme measure and use food as my comfort (just what I DON'T want to do), and I would grow and grow, as if I were a chia pet! 

This weighting game is a journey. It requires TONS of research, commitment, openness, patience, and determination. It is HARD. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but now I feel so much calmer about it. Previously, food would be on my mind 24/7. I would think about it as if it were the elephant in the room. I would give in without a second thought. Now I feel like decisions regarding food choices and being active are so second nature that I no longer think about it. However, this did not come without come begging and pleading with my husband because the difference now is that I have a teammate. I have someone on my side, someone who can see my challenges, and who is understanding my failures. 

Taking this journey by yourself can be overwhelming all the information you find out about yourself. It can be lonely because there isn't someone out there that can relate on that intimate level with you. They understand and feel bad that you failed, but you are the only one that understands the importance of the failure, and the snowball that you just created. Research out there states to find  gym buddy, to find someone to work with you, and learning from 10+ years of experience I can't agree more. He pushes me to go to the gym together, he is there to comfort my feelings of looking like a fat loser lifting weights, he is there to tell me no and make me make dinner. 

I have never felt this calm and second natured about anything in my entire life. Lets see where this takes us!

Who wants a new addiction?

Pinterest...the new addiction

I am SURE everyone has heard (if not joined) Pinterest. I LOVE it...and am, slightly, obsessed
Today is my first full day off of work and school! It is SUMMER!! Naturally I took my time this sweet morning and sat with my cup of coffee and Pinterest at my new patio set. While "pinning" I noticed that I named one of my boards HEALTHY BODY, HEALTHY MIND. And it hit me that this is BEYOND true. I have found that at my lowest points it is all in my head, and that the clearest, happiest moments where when I was taking care of my body. That peaceful state where everything is tranquil is when you are taking care of yourself, eating healthy, exercising and making time for those that matter to you.

Sometimes when you feel you aren't doing one of them to the fullest extent the others start to fall away as well. You are no longer in homeostasis and everything starts to crumble. My goal this summer is to build my wall back up brick by brick. It is going to be a long journey, but this time I will try to call on others for support. I wish my sister lived closer to me, I wish that it was her and I juggling our bricks together because it is her who knows my daily struggle before words are formed.

The Lonely...round bazillion

THE LONELY
Christina Perri

2am; where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

This is the song that I keep running back to. It makes sense to me right now. I am the only one traveling the path that I am on...and so I am the only one that I have to be with.

I started Graduate School in January and I love it, but it is a completely different world! I am the only one in my group of friends back in school and I am not sure how I feel about that...I am still working through that. I have made some friends in school but after recent events I don't know who or how I can trust. I wonder how one can trust after things are thrown in their face time and time again, but I think it comes down to faith in yourself and faith in the other person.

I have figured out in the recent weeks that I had replaced a previous (detrimental) habit with food. I never worked through those feelings of inadequacy and poor ability to forgive myself. I used to have a horrible habit that, luckily, I stopped doing, but I feel like I replaced it with food and I don't feel that food is better. I have been thinking about it lately and I feel that food is worse....they both leave scars, they both fill a void for awhile, but both end up making you feel even WORSE about yourself.

After the last couple of weeks I have wanted to skip the food and go straight to old habits, and this surprised me and got me thinking.

I can lose all the weight in the world, I can look like a million dollars, but that won't give me the ability to forgive myself, to let things go, to not feel inadequate.

Someone once told me that it comes down to self-control...if that was the case then I think a lot more people would not be in the boat that I am. I understand that yes self-control is a HUGE piece of it, but I don't know how to get to the self-control I need without fixing all the pieces of me laying on the floor in front of me.

I am shattered person with pieces laying all around...I wish there was someone that could put me back together, but humpty dumpty couldn't be put together.....

So here I am again...for the bazillionth time...

I can't tell you how many times I have began again...I do know that looking back in life I had journal entries at 10yrs old wishing that I would lose weight...

10 YEARS - That's a problem!

Defeat....Competition....Fear of failure

Here we go again....

So as all of you can see I have taken a hiatus from blogging. I could come up with all these great stories:

• Too busy with wedding stuff! 17 DAYS
• Too busy working out! LIE
• Too busy figuring out life! WHO ISN'T?
• I'm losing weight fantastically and no longer feel like I need to blog. LIE
• I am lazy. YES
• I stare at a computer all day and the last thing I want to do is to go home and stare at one again. True but that is an excuse and I am professional at those.

So as you can see I can come up with quite the list if I wanted to, but the reality of the situation is that I wasn't seeing the results that I wanted to see. I have lost weight and inches (go me!) but not the level that I wanted. I got discouraged and haven't been trying as hard as I can. It is a lie if I told you that I try my hardest because I feel like I can do better. I feel like there is so much more in me. I know I can succeed and I just need to start thinking that way. I have these "aha" moments where I have so much belief in myself, so much confidence that I WILL do this. But those moments are short and too far in-between. This blog helped me everyday see my struggle and to see that I need to tell myself that I can do this. It may be the craziest vision in your head (me talking myself up) but I have to do it. I have heard so many put downs my whole life that my brain has developed thinking that way. Thinking failure. The logic with that is that if I fail then at least I tried. You can't fail if you have never tried. But picking up a barbell isn't the same as trying, giving it your all. 

Another reason that I have stopped writing the blog was that I was afraid that all of you would see my failure. It is one thing to see myself fail because I am used to it. I am used to standing on the scale day after day and seeing the same number, or feeling the waist line of my jeans day after day. But I don't want all of you too see me as a failure. That is something I can not handle. So if I stopped writing my blog maybe no one would know that I am failing. 

So here I am...I am going to lay it all out there, every failure, excuse running though my head, and every success. Failure or not I know feel like I am actually TRYING.

So its finally here....

So we are all moved in. This is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for us to move so I can start over, so I can start clean.

Is this how all beginnings feel? I am so ready for this to start. I am excited, scared, happy, nervous. I have all these emotions all wrapped into one and I don't know which way I should go. One step at a time because I don't think I want to fall off the edge into the abyss just so I can find ground one day and fail. I want to be aware all the way!

The other day I was running (yes! running, for those of you who know what I look like it can be quite the struggle! for those of you who don't...think Baywatch!) I had an aha! moment. I had this moment where I feel like everything finally made sense. I just wanted this so bad all of a sudden and I would do anything to get it. This motivation chip just turned on and I found myself excited for what was before me.

Now don't get me wrong, I was always excited, but the emotion that was primarily fueling my drive was fear. Fear of what would happen if I didn't do it. Fear of those looks on my wedding day of a larger girl with wings of fat in her dress. Fear that I would continue to grow outward and not be able to ever own a bikini. Those were the fears running around in my brain, and one night it came crashing down around me when some guys called me a grenade (if you don't know what that means, google it or ask your friend that watches the jersey shore). But those fears didn't get me anywhere. I feel like I am in the same spot that I was months ago. I have realized that I can't be afraid of those things. I have to embrace who I am.

I am probably the most self-conscious person I know. I am always thinking about what others think and how they will see me that I has never dawned on me that they don't see the flaws I see. Admitting that I am doing this for how I want others to see has taken me years to admit.

So there it is. I was doing this because I was afraid of what others thought of me and I thought that by changing my outward appearance all my other flaws would magically go away. I have to embrace who I am and my flaws. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. I need to work on seeing that others are not perfect no matter their size or appearance.

So during my run I thought that I could really do this. I can really be happy. My weight isn't my answer, but its a huge reason why I am so unhappy.

Moving is my new start!

I am moving! I am so excited I can not tell you how much I have been looking forward to this since moving in with Mr. Man. We are getting a bigger place and I am looking forward to creating us a life there together!

Another great reason for moving is that I can guilt free throw away our remaining CRAP! And in that I mean FOOD! I am using this move as a new start. It is when I can start completely blank and just jump on the Eat Clean bandwagon! I do not want any junk food to follow us to the new house because then I feel like we are living the same lives!

NO! I am putting my foot down. I have read more than enough information about food, sugar, cholesterol etc to know that I need this. I NEED to just jump into it. Easing into it has not worked for the past 5ish months. i just have to say goodbye and rip that band aid off. I know in good time that I won't even miss those foods or drinks, but it will take time and so much self control that I am going to need all the help I can get.

I am sure it is going to feel like a break-up. I mean that is just what it is because food is my drug of choice. I am breaking up with my old food and my old habits to start a new life. It will take time, and I hate that saying. Time I mean we always here its short, but sometimes it is the longest healer.

So for now I am going with this:



Do you ever get the urge to do something at exactly the time you COULDN'T do it?

So...I have been doing a TON of reading about food, and supplements, and superfoods etc. I have read many books and different perspectives, but right now I am really REALLY excited about the Eat Clean diet! I got all the books and am busy reading and highlighting my life away.

However, I read mostly at work! This is a problem. The reason that this is a problem is because I get soo motivated and excited about following it! It makes me want to go and workout and just be healthy. It is motivating! But then i remind myself that I am still at work, and unfortunately by the time work is done my motivation is just not there like it was when I first cracked the book at 6am!

I still go to the gym most days after work unless something better comes along...( I am WORKING on it!). I am getting better about scheduling working out and telling my friends that I can't do something until after. I am proud of myself for that!

NOW how do I keep up that level of excitment and motivation throughout the day?

Shout out to Sara Mac! GOOD for you GIRL! Your amazing and I can't WAIT to see you this weekend!

Are checklists only for the week days? What about the weekends?

We treat weekends as a mini vacation from our real lives. But weekends happen all the time. We can't treat them as vacations all the time. We throw away our routines and along with them our goals. 

I find myself filling my days on the weekend with everything but working out and eating right. I eat on the fly all the time, and even if I am sitting at home doing nothing the gym isn't even in my radar. I wish it was, but I feel like the gym takes up too much of my time on the weekend. I mean going there, working out for a couple of hours, and coming home, showering and getting ready again. But why do I think this takes up too much time on the weekends but not during the week? I mean I work all day and I am so excited to get to the gym, but I HATE it on the weekend. Its the same gym, same people, same equipment, but it still doesn't FEEL the same. Why is that? UGH!

I set my goal, but I don't make a plan. I do everything I can to avoid it. So my goal is never reached. 

I want this to be a lifestyle change and so I have to let it change my lifestyle. I can't be resistant to it. I need to change, if I don't than I am in the same position that I have been in, and I don't want that. 

Will I change more than my lifestyle? Will my personality change? Will my friends see me differently? I don't want this to become my life. I don't want to be the friend that always talks about what they are eating is SO bad for them, or that I need to ditch them for the gym. I need to find that balance, but until then I feel like I will be obsessed with this part of my life. I feel like there will be an unbalance. I think this is why I am afraid to workout on the weekends. I am not ready to give that part of my life yet. I am saving that for my friends. 

It is always easier to read but harder to do. As the saying goes "Do as I say and not as I do"

Hello! Sorry I have been gone for awhile! I have been busy wedding planning and focusing on my eating.

Work has been slow lately and so I have been able to really get some research done regarding food and my diet. It helps that a coworker is also looking into revamping her eating style and that of her family as well. So we have been reading and reading research after research and book after book. We even got into some blogs! But being the pyschology major I am didn't think that blogs were a trusted source. Sure they can be testemonials, but I need something to back up the testemonials. I am always a sucker for them though. I love reading success stories, but I HAVE to know the research behind them. With that said I have come to the conclusion that the plan that looks the best to me is the Eat Clean Diet. If you read Oxygen that you are probably familiar with this approach.

Eat Clean is just that. Eat cleanly. Just eat things with the least amougt of ingrediants possible. As the saying goes try to stick to the peimeter of the grocery store! I am not going to try and define/summarize the eat clean diet in my blog since the author has written multiple books and cookbooks. If you are interested you can find all the information you need here: Eat Clean

I have been looking at different diets, eating styles becuase all you hear is that when you are losing weight its earned on the plate and not in the gym. This is so frustrating. I guess it is easier to go the gym and work my a$$ off then to change my eating style. I don't know why I am holding on to this. I know cognitively that I HAVE to do it. But I honestly don't know why it is SO hard.

I know that I run to food for comfort and I have been working on really paying attention to my emtions and if I am really hungry at that moment or if I am using it as a comfort. But I have been doing it for so long that I know I convince myself that it is hunger! I guess this is my hardest struggle.

It is even more a struggle when I feel like I am on this bandwagon alone. I have my support from people from work, and I know I have the support of my friends and family, but sometimes support isn't enough. I have to struggle to say no, and I don't like to say no because I don't want to be the only one saying no all the time. I am trying to make healthy decisions when it comes to eating out, but just being in the restaurant I start to feel like puddy and will just order whatever I want. Thats my problem. I know it makes me feel like crap, but I can't help it. That moment on the lips is worth the lifetime on the hips in that one moment of weakness. I wish I could get past this, but I guess this what I have been trying to work on. I guess I will be working on this for the rest of my life.

Wish me luck!

Body pump is more of a jump start!

Every Monday you can find me at Body Pump, sweating in the back while begging the instructor (Macy) to quit early. This Monday the Y was closed so Body Pump was out of the question. 

What I didn't realize is that I needed Body Pump to jump start my workouts for the week. I found myself on Tuesday aimlessly walking around the weight room feeling like I just wanted to go home!

Today was much of the same. My attitude just wasn't there. My mind was off somewhere else! Macy was there today to bring my head back to the weight room.

I just feel out of tune and the reason why is that my routine didn't start off on Monday like it usually does. But this shouldn't ruin the rest of the week and I am letting it.

Who knew something I consider to have no power over me ruin my whole week of focus. 

I feel like I keep adding weight to my uphill battle and I am never going to reach the top. Someday is feeling VERY far away right now.

 

Should holiday weekends be feared or cause you anxiety?

Memorial Day Weekend is:

A glorious three day weekend away from work. Friday afternoon can't come soon enough and it is always over sooner than anyone would like. 

This holiday weekend found me in southern Minnesota at my sister's glorious new home! It was a weekend packed full of hanging out! Those are always the best vacations! You don't have to go anywhere, you don't have an agenda, you just hang out and play cards, rock band Beatles, and Geocaching! It was just what I needed. 

But when vacations come along so does vacation food! I was looking forward to taking a break from my daily grind and just enjoy everything sitting around on the counter and not feel guilty! The food was delicious! But it was food I wasn't used to and it got me thinking...when we take vacations to what extent do we leave our lives back home? 

We physically leave our houses, and our pets, our daily routine, but do we NEED to leave everything? We bring ourselves with, and our likes and dislikes so can't we bring some semblance of our lives? Eating right and exercising is becoming more and more important to me and I want to find a way to take some of that with me! That is what my new goal is. I want to try and figure out how to take some of our life with us. I want to be able to not give up on my diet for days (although I enjoyed every minute of it), and to try and exercise. But the balance is still trying to remember that I am on vacation and that it is okay to take a break! I think I will be working on this for awhile! 

Sorry for the break in posts! I am trying to keep up on it!

Exciting NEWS!

So this is going to be a small post today, but I am so excited I could pee!

Yesterday at the gym I increased my weight all around for my arms and it felt wonderful. It was this feeling of bliss as I picked a bigger weight. I can feel a difference in my body, and my muscles! I don't feel like you can see a difference but that will come with time! I am in NO hurry because I don't want to burn myself out!

I am so excited! I hope others get this feeling when they increase their weight as well!

Distractions, busy schedule, work, children...blah blah blah! COMMIT

I was coming home from the gym today and was talking to Mr. Man about commitment. There are many people that talk about how much they want to be fit and healthy, but that is all they do, they talk. I want to help every way I can, but when it comes to showing up it's on their own shoulders. I only want the best for people, but what I realized was that I once was someone like that, and I never saw it. I lost so much time not committing to it. I was interested in it. I read articles and tried some workouts out, but never made it a priority.

I feel like I lost so much time pretending to work out and live a healthy lifestyle. Not realizing that I wasn't making a priority was harder than just not doing anything. My rationalization at that time was high. I would rationalize every eating choice because I was working out, and every work out was great (yeah right!). I would think that I was working my butt off and would never look like the cute fit girl standing next to me. I was completely lost, and it took years for me to figure it out! But that time was lost and all I can do is pay attention to my eating and working out now, and be committed.

Now don't get me wrong I remember (not too long ago) that I let anything and everything come in between and working out. If someone called and wanted to hang out I would jump all over it. I would even go out of my way to find something to do besides working out. When Mr. Man wanted to workout on weekends I would rationalize that weekends are a break from real life, so I would never go. 

That person isn't me anymore! I make working out a priority before hanging out with friends. If it is someone I haven't seen in awhile then I try and do something active with them. I want to go walking, rollerblading, biking. 

I am feeling like my life is changing and hopefully its only for the good.

She doesn't have gross muscle does she?

I was on the phone today with a friend and I was looking at a picture of this girl squatting 200+ lbs! I was amazed. In awe I started to tell her about the picture I was looking at and all that came our of her mouth was: "eeeww she must have gross muscle!"

I couldn't help but be baffled at this. There I was in awe of the power of this girl, and my friend couldn't help but be disgusted! (Don't worry she later read the article and does NOT think the girls muscles are gross! Mission accomplished!)

I was reading an article earlier that morning describing the difference between fats. It was very interesting because they talked about an athlete and a model. They may have the same amount of body fat but their bodies are completely different.

http://www.crossfitsouthbay.com/2011/05/skinny-fat/

I think everyone should read this article. I wanted to talk today about losing weight and specifically my goals. Yes I do want to be skinnier, and fit into smaller cloths but I DO NOT want to be bone thin. I want to be healthy. I want muscle definition and I wouldn't mind a flat stomach. I want to be able to push a tire over multiple times, and to squat 200+ lbs. I think being strong is beautiful. I think bone skinny is gross. I want to challenge Mr. Man to a arm wrestling contest and win! I want a rock hard ass!

Being fit and strong is so important to me because when I do have kids I want to be able to keep up with them, and to sometimes out last their energy!

So Kate Moss can say "Nothing tastes as good as Skinny feels" well lets ask if hugging you feels like hugging a rock since all your bones are poking through! Keep your skinny and give me strong!

Now don't mind her crazy phase, remember her from her Toxic days when she was not a girl, but not yet a woman! This is more realistic to me! These pictures are more motivating to me than Kate Moss. So give me eewy muscles! But just between you and me? I don't think she has eewy muscles!

Honesty is always better.

Macy mentioned that we have severely been lacking in working out! 

I wish that I could argue with her, and show her proof of how well we are doing, but unfortunately I can not. Working out has not been going on! It is the sad truth.

Honesty sometimes feels like a slap in the face. It hurts more than looking in the mirror or seeing the picture that makes you cry. But staring me straight in the face is Macy and her stupid, honest observation!

So I would be lying if I told you that the lack of posts was due to all my new working out adventures when in reality I was sitting on a bar stool enjoying my happy hour!

My excuse and rationalization for working out less was that I was going to ease back into working out. Since I hadn't worked out in over a week and a half, and since working out was a new habit that I was working on developing I told myself that I was going to ease into it. Maybe workout on Monday and Tuesday at class, take Wednesday off, workout Thursday and then have the weekend off. Well, that did NOT work! I would start off good, but then only make it to Tuesday! But I was easing into it right?

Well it has officially been over 2 weeks and I feel horrible. I have barely worked out, and my body and attitude can tell. It is hard for me to get up in the morning, I am sluggish, I don't care if we do anything active, and all I can think about is when can I take a nap!

This is not how I was when I was active. This is how I felt when I was in high school. I dreaded working out, and doing active things because I didn't want anyone to know how out of shape I really was. Don't even mention a boat or summer around me! I am dreading this summer and Mr. Man's favorite holiday! I love going, and love all the people, but I am so self conscious about myself that I don't feel that I totally let go and just be me. I am afraid that I am missing out on life because of this. I don't want to anymore.

So I have printed this picture and taped it to my mirror to remind myself that its baby steps and its day by day!

Dang you weather!

It seems to be that spring is finally here! After April snowstorms and freezing rain in May spring has finally made an appearance. I am very excited about this! However, it seems to deter me away from the gym!

I mean who wants to be couped up in a BO smelling gym when you could be gloriously walking around outside.

So this is my dilemma: do I go to the gym where I know I can get an effective arm workout in OR do I take a walk with a friend outside? I mean both are active and both are not sitting on the couch, however today is TUESDAY. Meaning today I am to do arms before spinning class! How can I get an effective arm workout in when I want to be outside and I don't own any free weights myself?

So my motivation is still high to get to my gym, to workout, to stay active, but do people lose some of their workout in the summer because of the amazing weather? Is there a way around this? UGH

And on another note..I am lost because spinning is over after next week! Due to summer they are condensing the 5:30 nightly spinning to one night a week, maybe! MAYBE! Are you kidding me! I have already gone through the pain of losing feeling in my butt now they are asking me to take 3 months off and to go through it again in the fall? NOT OKAY!

This made me smile! If this doesn't motivate you I don't know what will!

Just picture yourself running away on the treadmill and sweat is just pouring off of you. All of a sudden you get a smirk on your face because this saying pops into your head. I don't know about you but this will make me run faster and bully that fat right off of my body!

Now I want to make my fat cry everyday!

This is a great way to visualize fat coming off and it also helps if you think sweating is gross and can't stand it! Well if its your fat crying? Do you think you can stand it now?!

First week back!



I am back to "normal" life. I have started my routine again and am back to my regular workouts. But something in me has changed since my fathers death and that is the effort I put into my workout.

Yes, I showed up everyday and I would  sweat everyday but was I truly trying my hardest? If I had been trying my hardest since day one of trying to lose weight when I was 12 years old I wouldn't be writing this blog. But here I am.

My concentration levels are higher than ever for my workouts because I want to be fit and strong. I want to be the person I told my dad I was becoming. I am no longer doing this for just me. I need to do this for my family so that I can stay around a little longer.

I have only worked out Mon and Tues, but currently those two workouts I tried so hard that I can barely walk up the stairs to my apartment. But I am okay with that. And this picture just allows me to see that I don't have to be perfect and the only person to measure myself against is me. As long as I am trying my hardest in every aspect then I can't do any better.

I may never win a race, or bench press the most in the gym, but those aren't my goals. My goals are only for me and set against myself. I have to keep remembering that and not looking at what is going on around me. I can't keep trying to compete with others at the gym. I do that; I challenge myself by setting goals trying to beat others around me and that isn't trying my hardest it is trying their hardest. I need to focus just on myself and my current workout for that day. Because if I let my mind wonder, and my imagination roam I am no longer trying my hardest I am just doing the actions.

My fitness and food deserve 100% of my attention and I have to remember that the reason I am in the situation I am in is because I never held them to a priority. I would let my mind wonder!

This week I am trying harder, next week it will be even harder.

Time never stops....but can we?

I was listening to a movie while at work today and this quote hit me hard:

"You can't stop being who you are because your afraid"

This is what I have to think about. It was a hard week to get through last week, and my life has changed. Every holiday, home phone call, future memory has forever been changed. It was a HUGE wake up call, and I have spent a lot of time these past couple of weeks soul searching. Pondering what in life is important, and how can I live everyday to the max. But I realized that as long as I make decisions that make me happy then I am living each day to the max. Life may be short, and you may have a bucket list, but life is made up of every days. Yes, vacations are nice, and babies, weddings, graduations are always something to look forward to, but when living it is your everyday routine that makes up who you are.

I am afraid that my life won't be enough, that I will always have goals, vacations, dreams that I will never realize, but I can't stop and change my everyday life because I am afraid of all that I have not yet accomplished. So I am going to focus on the goals in front of me. I am going to focus on living this healthy lifestyle so that maybe I can elongate my life. Maybe I can live a fuller life just by paying attention to the little things.

Being afraid won't help me with my marriage, or help me raise my babies. Life will happen and accidents and tragedies come with that. I can't be afraid of those things because then I won't be living any longer. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Taking chances on things that can and may cause you heartache is a way of creating who you are.

I am getting more and more into Yoga and I am reading great book: Living Yoga by Chrisy Turlington. She also has lost her dad and what got her through it is paying more attention to her breath. I think this a good step. I am going to start meditating and talking to God. Hopefully this can help find a more peaceful mindset. I hope it helps me live my everyday no matter how mundane someone else might think it is. Let others think your life is mundane, that's what they need to do to make themselves feel better about themselves. If you are happy and if you are continuing to make decisions that make you happy than I am okay with that!

My routine starts again today! I am jumping back on the wagon! Thank you all for your patience with my hiatus!

Dad

My Dad

Sorry for the delay in posting. I got an early call on Thursday April 21st from my sister informing me that my father had unexpectadly passed away.

This has been a hard time for our family to get through, we all have many questions and want even more answers. This great man has died and he has left this world a better place. We got to see this through all the lives he has touched. As a teacher at Johnson High School he touched many of the students lives, and they showed their grattitude by making tons of posters, and creating a facebook page dedicated to him. This out-pouring of love has really helped our family through this difficult time.

I have been tested early in this new struggle of my eating and weight. I failed horribly. Not that I ate and I ate, in fact I did the opposite. I stopped. I stopped eating, and laughing and living. This is not what my dad would want and I have to remind myself of these things. I will get through this with the help of God and of family and friends. They have helped me so much already. I am eternally grateful!

So now I ask my dad to help me through my struggles in life and hope that he is holding my hand as I continue to walk this world without him. I will remember that he will carry me when I need him the most and he will hold my hand whenever I need/want him to. For that I am grateful!

I am so grateful that he was in my life and that I got him for more than a teacher. He was my dad and I got him 100%. I have to remember how lucky I am for that.

Thank you dad for everything you have done for me. Thank you for showing me love through how much you loved each of your girls. I will remember you often and always.

I will take it slow and smile often just as you always told us to.

Love you!