So we are all moved in. This is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for us to move so I can start over, so I can start clean.
Is this how all beginnings feel? I am so ready for this to start. I am excited, scared, happy, nervous. I have all these emotions all wrapped into one and I don't know which way I should go. One step at a time because I don't think I want to fall off the edge into the abyss just so I can find ground one day and fail. I want to be aware all the way!
The other day I was running (yes! running, for those of you who know what I look like it can be quite the struggle! for those of you who don't...think Baywatch!) I had an aha! moment. I had this moment where I feel like everything finally made sense. I just wanted this so bad all of a sudden and I would do anything to get it. This motivation chip just turned on and I found myself excited for what was before me.
Now don't get me wrong, I was always excited, but the emotion that was primarily fueling my drive was fear. Fear of what would happen if I didn't do it. Fear of those looks on my wedding day of a larger girl with wings of fat in her dress. Fear that I would continue to grow outward and not be able to ever own a bikini. Those were the fears running around in my brain, and one night it came crashing down around me when some guys called me a grenade (if you don't know what that means, google it or ask your friend that watches the jersey shore). But those fears didn't get me anywhere. I feel like I am in the same spot that I was months ago. I have realized that I can't be afraid of those things. I have to embrace who I am.
I am probably the most self-conscious person I know. I am always thinking about what others think and how they will see me that I has never dawned on me that they don't see the flaws I see. Admitting that I am doing this for how I want others to see has taken me years to admit.
So there it is. I was doing this because I was afraid of what others thought of me and I thought that by changing my outward appearance all my other flaws would magically go away. I have to embrace who I am and my flaws. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. I need to work on seeing that others are not perfect no matter their size or appearance.
So during my run I thought that I could really do this. I can really be happy. My weight isn't my answer, but its a huge reason why I am so unhappy.
