The right beginnings

Beginnings and endings.

Most of the time one chooses their beginnings:

• Taking a semester off of school
• Starting the diet on Monday
• Saying "yes" to love
• When to have a baby

However, endings often come abruptly with a mix of emotions:

• Death
• Graduation
• Employment termination
• The end of vacations

Looking at my past post's one of my more recent ones was talking about for the past 10+ years I have been seeing weight accumulate onto my body and wishing it away. I would start new programs, and would do GREAT for a week or so, but nothing ever stuck, so time and time again I would feel those feelings of failure, I would see it painted on the faces of those that loved me. After seeing the failing I would take the extreme measure and use food as my comfort (just what I DON'T want to do), and I would grow and grow, as if I were a chia pet! 

This weighting game is a journey. It requires TONS of research, commitment, openness, patience, and determination. It is HARD. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but now I feel so much calmer about it. Previously, food would be on my mind 24/7. I would think about it as if it were the elephant in the room. I would give in without a second thought. Now I feel like decisions regarding food choices and being active are so second nature that I no longer think about it. However, this did not come without come begging and pleading with my husband because the difference now is that I have a teammate. I have someone on my side, someone who can see my challenges, and who is understanding my failures. 

Taking this journey by yourself can be overwhelming all the information you find out about yourself. It can be lonely because there isn't someone out there that can relate on that intimate level with you. They understand and feel bad that you failed, but you are the only one that understands the importance of the failure, and the snowball that you just created. Research out there states to find  gym buddy, to find someone to work with you, and learning from 10+ years of experience I can't agree more. He pushes me to go to the gym together, he is there to comfort my feelings of looking like a fat loser lifting weights, he is there to tell me no and make me make dinner. 

I have never felt this calm and second natured about anything in my entire life. Lets see where this takes us!

Who wants a new addiction?

Pinterest...the new addiction

I am SURE everyone has heard (if not joined) Pinterest. I LOVE it...and am, slightly, obsessed
Today is my first full day off of work and school! It is SUMMER!! Naturally I took my time this sweet morning and sat with my cup of coffee and Pinterest at my new patio set. While "pinning" I noticed that I named one of my boards HEALTHY BODY, HEALTHY MIND. And it hit me that this is BEYOND true. I have found that at my lowest points it is all in my head, and that the clearest, happiest moments where when I was taking care of my body. That peaceful state where everything is tranquil is when you are taking care of yourself, eating healthy, exercising and making time for those that matter to you.

Sometimes when you feel you aren't doing one of them to the fullest extent the others start to fall away as well. You are no longer in homeostasis and everything starts to crumble. My goal this summer is to build my wall back up brick by brick. It is going to be a long journey, but this time I will try to call on others for support. I wish my sister lived closer to me, I wish that it was her and I juggling our bricks together because it is her who knows my daily struggle before words are formed.

The Lonely...round bazillion

THE LONELY
Christina Perri

2am; where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

This is the song that I keep running back to. It makes sense to me right now. I am the only one traveling the path that I am on...and so I am the only one that I have to be with.

I started Graduate School in January and I love it, but it is a completely different world! I am the only one in my group of friends back in school and I am not sure how I feel about that...I am still working through that. I have made some friends in school but after recent events I don't know who or how I can trust. I wonder how one can trust after things are thrown in their face time and time again, but I think it comes down to faith in yourself and faith in the other person.

I have figured out in the recent weeks that I had replaced a previous (detrimental) habit with food. I never worked through those feelings of inadequacy and poor ability to forgive myself. I used to have a horrible habit that, luckily, I stopped doing, but I feel like I replaced it with food and I don't feel that food is better. I have been thinking about it lately and I feel that food is worse....they both leave scars, they both fill a void for awhile, but both end up making you feel even WORSE about yourself.

After the last couple of weeks I have wanted to skip the food and go straight to old habits, and this surprised me and got me thinking.

I can lose all the weight in the world, I can look like a million dollars, but that won't give me the ability to forgive myself, to let things go, to not feel inadequate.

Someone once told me that it comes down to self-control...if that was the case then I think a lot more people would not be in the boat that I am. I understand that yes self-control is a HUGE piece of it, but I don't know how to get to the self-control I need without fixing all the pieces of me laying on the floor in front of me.

I am shattered person with pieces laying all around...I wish there was someone that could put me back together, but humpty dumpty couldn't be put together.....

So here I am again...for the bazillionth time...

I can't tell you how many times I have began again...I do know that looking back in life I had journal entries at 10yrs old wishing that I would lose weight...

10 YEARS - That's a problem!

Defeat....Competition....Fear of failure

Here we go again....

So as all of you can see I have taken a hiatus from blogging. I could come up with all these great stories:

• Too busy with wedding stuff! 17 DAYS
• Too busy working out! LIE
• Too busy figuring out life! WHO ISN'T?
• I'm losing weight fantastically and no longer feel like I need to blog. LIE
• I am lazy. YES
• I stare at a computer all day and the last thing I want to do is to go home and stare at one again. True but that is an excuse and I am professional at those.

So as you can see I can come up with quite the list if I wanted to, but the reality of the situation is that I wasn't seeing the results that I wanted to see. I have lost weight and inches (go me!) but not the level that I wanted. I got discouraged and haven't been trying as hard as I can. It is a lie if I told you that I try my hardest because I feel like I can do better. I feel like there is so much more in me. I know I can succeed and I just need to start thinking that way. I have these "aha" moments where I have so much belief in myself, so much confidence that I WILL do this. But those moments are short and too far in-between. This blog helped me everyday see my struggle and to see that I need to tell myself that I can do this. It may be the craziest vision in your head (me talking myself up) but I have to do it. I have heard so many put downs my whole life that my brain has developed thinking that way. Thinking failure. The logic with that is that if I fail then at least I tried. You can't fail if you have never tried. But picking up a barbell isn't the same as trying, giving it your all. 

Another reason that I have stopped writing the blog was that I was afraid that all of you would see my failure. It is one thing to see myself fail because I am used to it. I am used to standing on the scale day after day and seeing the same number, or feeling the waist line of my jeans day after day. But I don't want all of you too see me as a failure. That is something I can not handle. So if I stopped writing my blog maybe no one would know that I am failing. 

So here I am...I am going to lay it all out there, every failure, excuse running though my head, and every success. Failure or not I know feel like I am actually TRYING.

So its finally here....

So we are all moved in. This is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for us to move so I can start over, so I can start clean.

Is this how all beginnings feel? I am so ready for this to start. I am excited, scared, happy, nervous. I have all these emotions all wrapped into one and I don't know which way I should go. One step at a time because I don't think I want to fall off the edge into the abyss just so I can find ground one day and fail. I want to be aware all the way!

The other day I was running (yes! running, for those of you who know what I look like it can be quite the struggle! for those of you who don't...think Baywatch!) I had an aha! moment. I had this moment where I feel like everything finally made sense. I just wanted this so bad all of a sudden and I would do anything to get it. This motivation chip just turned on and I found myself excited for what was before me.

Now don't get me wrong, I was always excited, but the emotion that was primarily fueling my drive was fear. Fear of what would happen if I didn't do it. Fear of those looks on my wedding day of a larger girl with wings of fat in her dress. Fear that I would continue to grow outward and not be able to ever own a bikini. Those were the fears running around in my brain, and one night it came crashing down around me when some guys called me a grenade (if you don't know what that means, google it or ask your friend that watches the jersey shore). But those fears didn't get me anywhere. I feel like I am in the same spot that I was months ago. I have realized that I can't be afraid of those things. I have to embrace who I am.

I am probably the most self-conscious person I know. I am always thinking about what others think and how they will see me that I has never dawned on me that they don't see the flaws I see. Admitting that I am doing this for how I want others to see has taken me years to admit.

So there it is. I was doing this because I was afraid of what others thought of me and I thought that by changing my outward appearance all my other flaws would magically go away. I have to embrace who I am and my flaws. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. I need to work on seeing that others are not perfect no matter their size or appearance.

So during my run I thought that I could really do this. I can really be happy. My weight isn't my answer, but its a huge reason why I am so unhappy.

Moving is my new start!

I am moving! I am so excited I can not tell you how much I have been looking forward to this since moving in with Mr. Man. We are getting a bigger place and I am looking forward to creating us a life there together!

Another great reason for moving is that I can guilt free throw away our remaining CRAP! And in that I mean FOOD! I am using this move as a new start. It is when I can start completely blank and just jump on the Eat Clean bandwagon! I do not want any junk food to follow us to the new house because then I feel like we are living the same lives!

NO! I am putting my foot down. I have read more than enough information about food, sugar, cholesterol etc to know that I need this. I NEED to just jump into it. Easing into it has not worked for the past 5ish months. i just have to say goodbye and rip that band aid off. I know in good time that I won't even miss those foods or drinks, but it will take time and so much self control that I am going to need all the help I can get.

I am sure it is going to feel like a break-up. I mean that is just what it is because food is my drug of choice. I am breaking up with my old food and my old habits to start a new life. It will take time, and I hate that saying. Time I mean we always here its short, but sometimes it is the longest healer.

So for now I am going with this:



Do you ever get the urge to do something at exactly the time you COULDN'T do it?

So...I have been doing a TON of reading about food, and supplements, and superfoods etc. I have read many books and different perspectives, but right now I am really REALLY excited about the Eat Clean diet! I got all the books and am busy reading and highlighting my life away.

However, I read mostly at work! This is a problem. The reason that this is a problem is because I get soo motivated and excited about following it! It makes me want to go and workout and just be healthy. It is motivating! But then i remind myself that I am still at work, and unfortunately by the time work is done my motivation is just not there like it was when I first cracked the book at 6am!

I still go to the gym most days after work unless something better comes along...( I am WORKING on it!). I am getting better about scheduling working out and telling my friends that I can't do something until after. I am proud of myself for that!

NOW how do I keep up that level of excitment and motivation throughout the day?

Shout out to Sara Mac! GOOD for you GIRL! Your amazing and I can't WAIT to see you this weekend!